Saturday, 02/22/03 - 5:00 pm.
(Just for the record, Veronica didn't come yesterday...an answer to my prayers)
As usual, I watched a movie on TV without knowing what its name was. I always catch the beggining, but never the title sequence.
Anyway, I found out it's called Keeping The Faith. Ed Norton (who will ALWAYS be Fight Club's narrator for me), Ben Stiller and Jenna Elfman. I found a review saying it sucked, but I for one liked it. It kept me glued to the screen, wondering how they'd work it out (though how brave of Ed's charachter to give up his love just like that...even if he's a priest).
I've been really sentimentalist lately, feeling lonely and playing The Bride's Best Friend role. Cel is really happy with Victor, and it's just matter of days for them to officially be boyfriend and girlfriend.
I've thought about D since last night (I always ask Cel if he's online, since she also has him on his buddy list). I still feel hurt. I don't know if I'm still in love with him, but I still feel very hurt. I don't think any of my friends (except maybe Cel) has really understood what I've been through. With D or with the guy, but specially with D. The guy was just supposed to be a one-night-stand, and I just got a little carried away with my feelings. I now wonder if I was really in love with him, I guess it was just the hormones.
With D is a different story, but I don't think anyone got it. Not even him. I really loved this boy, he was the world to me, and I would've done anything to stick with him. All I hope now is that one day, any given day, tomorrow or in 5 years from now, he suddenly stops and thinks about what he did to me, and feels sorry about it. How stupid, all that's left. A begging for him to realize. Like he had the capability to.
They'll never know. They might have a notion, because (today that I thought about it) I know I might have shown my pain at school more than once: weeping after recess, walking away when I was with our mutual group of friends and he'd ignore me...but they really don't know. THEY DON'T KNOW, THEY WILL NEVER KNOW THE DAMAGE.
Yesterday I got a bit upset when I discovered that a scar in my wrist would become a queloid. That'd make 5 in my body, and that'd be really suspicious if anybody in my family found out. But I look at it now, and it's not it. The pink hasn't disappeared, but at least is not a scar in 3D anymore. The struggle of the body to heal itself has always amused me. I haven't cut for a while now...I guess it was since I said goodbye to D. Not because I feel better at all, but...I just don't do it anymore.
I've been thinking of someone lately. That someone doesn't exist. But I have to think of that someone to go on. I need help. But at the same time, my conscience tries to discard those thoughts. It's a way to say "get back to reality, no one will ever help you on this one. It's just you against it, carry your own weight, ALONE".
But I guess all of us need to live in a world of fantasy once in a while. Sometimes that's the only thing that gives sense to our lives, or at least helps us go through the day.
It's like...maybe like me and Aerosmith, me and The Beatles. Specially The Beatles (at least Aerosmith still exists as such). They don't exist anymore (if you want to get melodramatic, go ahead and tell me they'll always exist in the mind and hearts of their fans and the whole world, through the music and their personalities and their influences, etc)...you've still got Ringo and Paul, but they're not Beatles anymore...even if George and John were still alive (RIP), there'd probably be no more Beatles (I know it was George who hated being a Beatle the most). Sometimes I think I wouldn't like to meet them, because I'd still see them as Beatles, and I'm sure they want to be considered something else, they want to be recognized for the artists they are now, as wonderful as their days as Beatles were. You have to move on. But for me, sometimes it's hard to think The Beatles don't exist anymore (this is where I get melodramatic and say they'll always exist in the mind and in the hearts of their fans and the whole world, through the music and their personalities and their influences, etc).
I think I went on a tangent (Voice says: go ahead, you just can't go through an entry without mentioning either Aerosmith or The Beatles).
Listen, in a few words...I feel hollow and cracked. I want to be in coma once and for all.
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