Monday, 02/24/03 - 2:48 pm.
Maybe for the first time, I had a dream about reality. I was at school with Norman, talking in the doorway, and then D showed up...he said hi to Norman, and lifted his hand...I thought he was going to give me a handshake, but his arm stretched and reached a girl that was near me...he passed by and walked away with her. You know that embarrasing feeling when you make a move to greet somebody and then it turns out that somebody wasn't greeting you but someone else? Well, it was that way. I was going to raise my hand, when he walked by without even looking at me.
It was kind of sad and embarrasing for me, but when I woke up....well, it was still sad. That's reality, though. I could run into him now and he'd probably look the other way.
I told Cel last night that it's really sad when people walk out of your life just like that, not caring at all about you anymore. She said that it wasn't that D didn't care, he just wasn't aware of what he did. "He will never be", I said. I know. He will never be aware.
It's kind of funny, the fact that it's been almost 6 months since he...what, how do you call that? "walked away"? "started to pretend I was nobody"? "broke my heart for the first time"? well, whatever you'd like to call it.
I have to go to the UCA in a couple of hours for....paperwork. I still don't understand the dynamics of college, excuse my stupidity. I don't care for learning about them either. I want to do something else. Psychology is cool and everything, yes I'm glad I chose that, bla, bla, bla...I just want something else besides it. I've always been a boring person. Friends...yes, of course. Regardless, your friends will always tell you how funny you are. That's what friends are for. Friends are funny that way, you know. You just can't trust them.
I think I'm gonna have to see some people at the UCA. I really don't want to. You know what I want? I want to leave this place. Go somewhere new, meet new people...a few days ago I thought I'd like to go to two places in particular: Liverpool and Boston. Well, yes...I've heard a lot of both places because those are the places my favorite bands came from...but I'm not going thinking "oh, yeah, I may run into one of them", it's just...I don't know. I'm drawn to those places. Curiosity, I guess.