My family falling apart & Simeon projects.
Tuesday, 03/04/03 - 8:22 pm.

Things have gotten much worse, and so am I feeling. I'm sick over this, I feel so fucked up, phisically and mentally. I'm scared. And things just keep getting worse.

I really don't want to talk about this. I could break down and cry my eyes out, and even throw up. I think I ate too much, when I wasn't even hungry. I'm sick, I feel really tired, I have the feelings my eyes are red and huge, I have a knot down my throat and in my stomach. I was hoping everything would be worked out this evening, but it was quite the opposite, and my dad says we shouldn't expect to see her nor my nephew around for a couple of days. She's just not going to come back.

I'd bang my head just to stop thinking about this.

I found this but it doesn't make me laugh.

I kept trying to think of Simeon and our little projects. I did, and I came up with good ideas, but then I got discouraged. And it was Simeon himself who suggested the possibility...that he's just a skinny little boy, and the people here are up for more complex cartoons, visually and thematicly. He can't fuckin' compete against anime. Anime is a big deal here, and although I am not a fan myself, I can understand why. And that's what I can't compete with. When I thought about it, I dropped my pencil and gave up. Then I thought that maybe I should come up with another charachters, another story.

I tried to imagine Simeon as a human being. I drew the sketch, dressed him up in a simple but nice way..."and your mouth would be like...this....". Then I looked at the finished drawing, an 18 year old boy with a serious, mildly confused look and a hairdo that I thought I'd seen somewhere else before...."Paul McCartney?". Yes, that was definitely my first impression. I'm keeping the drawing. I think Simeon is very cute.

But anyway, I got sick of it and completely gave up. I just can't draw, what the fuck. It's very discouraging.

But...then I got back to the first idea. Using Simeon's alter ego story, I'd just change the secondary charachter. Instead of being a dog (a human-like dog, running the restaurant Simeon's charachter works at as a waiter and entertainer) he's just going to be a Ramones-like kind of guy.

Speaking of guys, the guy called me last night. I'd stopped caring about him (as you can tell by the lack of mention he's gotten in here for quite a few months now) but he was very nice. He didn't mention anything sexual, he just asked how I was. I wanted to answer his questions honestly ("well, I'm like crap", "my family has begun to fall apart", "well, I still have a broken heart", "well, you know, the usual...I'm still on self-mutilation") but I said I was fine. At least he's a bit more mature than in the early days when we'd talk on the phone. I should congratulate him. After all, I now can tell him ANYTHING I want.

Him (after calling himself names): can you tell how much I like myself? I'm so dumb.
Me: yes, you are, but you still can become a better person.

Anyway, so this thing about Simeon has me focused very much, and that's partly why I feel overwhelmed and tired. I think a lot about it, but because I believe in it. But then I get discouraged when I think it's not gonna be good enough. "Well, it's good enough for me".

I'm also thinking of changing the name of the strip (is not even a strip, what the fuck). Simeon's charachter's name is Joe, because it fitted the name of the "strip", I don't know if I should change that too (I'm kind of fond of that name...aside from Joe Perry). He's just a waiter, and meets his friend and "manager" Travis (that name makes me laugh). Travis makes him become a superhero against his own will (at first, anyway).

- Joe: I can't be a superhero...I don't come from another planet, I have never been bitten by a radioactive animal and I don't have a buttler, I come from a working class family. And I hate spandex. Where do Superman and Batman and Spiderman and all those people get their suits from, anyway?
- Travis: Maybe Superman could sew. Hey, any man who can sew deserves to be called super. Batman has a buttler and Spiderman...well, he probably knitted it himself with his own spiderweb. And as for you...I'll write to my Granny! She lives in Paris and she's a great taylor. She says Paris offers the best fabric. You'll look good on cotton thighs.
- Joe: get away from me, you freak.

(One thing that does have me worried is the fact that sometimes it seems like Travis and Joe have "something" going on between them, which is not the case...they're just friends, close, good friends, so I'm thinking of the possibility of introducing a girlfriend for Travis)

My idea from this strip, among others, is to question the "greatness" of those almighty superheroes. I like the way Simeon questions those things. By the way, how did they get their costumes done, really?

In spite of these happy, distracting moments with my invisible pal, I feel like crap. I'm going to bed.

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