Always the one to be ignored.
Wednesday, 03/12/03 - 12:45 pm.

I was trying to make a tape with my favorite Beatles tunes, and it turns out that sometimes the voices can't be heard, only the music. What a drag. I can only hear the chorus for Sgt. Pepper's, and the first verses of A Day In The Life don't exist. It's just the background music. But if you want to be positive about it, I now have a karaoke tape.

I added a little detail. After the 32-33 Beatles songs, there's another Beatles song, I'm Down...performed by Aerosmith. I love the effect.

I talked to Cel about D again last night (Listen, I'm gonna make this short because it's time for lunch...).

I talked to her about him, and she said something very true. She hit the nail in the head. And opened my wound, which I think is a good thing...it's not masochism, I just don't like to be fooling myself. Why say I'm fine when I am not?

It's this: I can't ask him for anything, I can't ask him to apologize. He doesn't owe me anything. I can't complain to him, or demand anything. Because we were nothing but friends. He never promised me anything. He did give me hope, and made believe we had something, but there was really...nothing.

There was no real commitment, no real attachments, and so, he can get away with everything. He can get away with pretending I don't exist (and he has, actually).

Now I know I'm out of his life for good. When he's an old man, sitting in his rocking chair, he'll begin to think of all the girls he had back in his days, and I won't even be on the list, because we were actually nothing but friends. He won't even remember I was once part of his life. I bet he doesn't now.

All this made me really angry, and I cried like I hadn't cried in months. I felt worthless, I felt underrated. And to make things worse, I remembered all of the times I've felt bad because of the same thing, all of the people that's made me feel like I'm worthless. I was *this* close to slit my wrists, I was hoping I'd die today in my driving lessons, hit by a bus.

I can't tell you how horrible I feel about this. I cried for hours last night/this morning. I could've SCREAMed of pain and anger, if I knew no one would've listened to me.

I HATE THEM.

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