Of sickness, lovely family, money, new levels of friendship and sickness.
Thursday, 04/17/03 - 5:36 pm.

33 years ago (1970), Paul McCartney releases his first solo album, "McCartney." The self-interview enclosed with the album basically confirms that the Beatles had broken up.

1998 - Linda McCartney, the rock photographer wife of Sir Paul McCartney and onetime member of the band Wings, dies of breast cancer in Tucson, AZ while vacationing with her family. She is 56. McCartney, a keen vegetarian who marketed her own range of meat-free dishes, had been battling the disease since 1995.

The inside of my nose and my eardrums hurt. I can barely swallow anything, I can barely open my mouth. I think it's swollen, the center of my head...the roof of the throat, so to speak; the place where the ears, nose and throat get together (can't you tell my lack of anatomy knowledge?). I'd like to shoot myself like the Fight Club narrator did, so I could finish up this awful pain now. But I know I'd finish up more than that.

It's not like I own a gun, anyway.

Guess what I did today? I ordered Please, Please Me, With The Beatles and A Hard Day's Night from amazon.com. With my brother's credit card, but that's alright, I'll pay him (*this is where the fun stops*). I was going to buy just two, but I went for three because....because....just because.

I also gave money to my dad. He's created some kind of common account for all of the family members. In case one of us gets sick, we go to the bank and get some money out of that account to afford the costs of treatment. I mean, one has to be prepared for any eventuality, right? My parents didn't even ask me to contribute, because I don't have a job, but since I have savings, I gave them 5 bucks. I've always wanted to give money to my parents, and given this would be for the benefit of the community (AKA my family), why not? That's always an investment. My brother Alan used to give my dad some money every month, just to help him out.

My dad quit drinking when my sister was born, and hasn't drunk ever since (the 70s). That alone I consider it a huge sacrifice, not every parent does that for their children and spouse. So 5 bucks isn't a lot, but I'm forever in debt with my parents, and I supposed I could try to give something back to them. It's "symbolic", like my mom would say.

Speaking of Alan, I think he's not coming back home. We called him today, long distance to Washington, and he already has an office of his own. I miss him, but I'm glad he's found himself a job there. He doesn't get paid exactly, but the meals and housing and all that are in the deal. It's some kind of project he's taking part of. I think it'd be really hard if he came back, and then left again. I hate those goodbyes at the airport, so part of me says it's ok that we didn't know he was going to stay in Washington for such a long time, or else the goodbye would have been a huge drama.

I saw a lot of pictures today. I was rearranging my photo albums and stuff. Awww, I love my family (you don't hear that a lot coming from a teenager nowadays, do you?, specially when by family it means mom AND dad AND siblings AND sibling's spouses and children AND dog AND parrot...so that's what I thank God for, everyday).

On the other hand, this fuckin' swollen nose-ear-throat thing it's killing me, and it's going to make me throw up.

Last night, the friendship between Victor and I moved to the next level. We talked openly about a lot of things...serious things.

First, his love for Cel. You see, in 9th grade, they hooked up for about a month. But Cel's friends at the time, didn't approve of Victor. They thought he was "inferior", and so, she broke up with him and treated him like shit. He tried to get close to her again but then Art came into the picture. Long story short, he said he was devastated by the way she treated him, and had been any other girl, he'd have never forgiven her. But he's so in love with Cel....well, here they are now. About to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Victor even composed a song for her, how sweet is that?

He's a little paranoid that something bad is going to happen, like she'll stop loving him again or something. But I told him there was nothing to worry about, she's really in love with him (she's nuts over him). We talked about that for maybe two hours. I'm glad we could talk about that now. There was always this unspoken thing, it seemed he knew I knew what was going on between the two of them, but we'd never say a word.

Then, somehow, I started telling him about my relationship with Carmen and Veronica and Norman, the things that happened in 8th grade and continued happening up to high school. I even mentioned something about D, and self-mutilation, and he said he understood how I feel, encouraged me to tell them how I feel no matter the consequences, and asked me stop cutting, because they're not worth it.

That's the digest of about 4 hours of non-stop conversation online.

Victor is a great listener (err, we were on an online chat, but you get the idea), and you can really have a conversation with him. He'll listen, he'll throw in his point of view about what you said, and he'll talk about his own, waiting for you to throw in your own feedback. Interaction, real interaction. It's something I craved (crave) for so badly when I was (am) with Norman, Carmen or Veronica, and even D, and I never got (get). For instance, Norman sent me a long e-mail today, and it was ALL about him and what he's done...don't get me wrong, I don't mind hearing from my friends and knowing what they're up to, at all, but he could've at least asked "how are YOU?"...you know, show a little interest and acknowledge you're talking to a human being with feelings of her own. I like to listen, I love to listen, but I need to be listened to once in a while. But what the hell, it's not like they inspire me to trust in them anymore.

But anyway...Cel loves Victor. Victor loves Cel. I hope Cel doesn't leave for Canada. And it's not so much about me, "boo-hoo, my best friend went away forever". Unfortunately, almost all of my best friends (Head, Mikey) are already far away, I think I could get used to it (is there any other choice anyway?). I just don't want Victor and Cel to lose each other again. I really don't.

God, God, God, I feel so sick.

Joy.

Hi, have a nice day.

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