Thursday, 04/24/03 - 12:31 am.
Well, it's kind of a little early for me to write, but what the hell. I won't get to do it later, anyway. I have so many assignments to work on.
Yesterday (or a few minutes ago) was an ok day. I worked a lot with my gang, had a laugh or two thousand...I feel so good among them, I finally feel like I belong to a group. They even had an period off (in the class we're separated), so I got to spend more time with them (you know who...Irene, Victor, Angie, Ern and Victoria).
But somehow, for some reason, the day did not end very well. So far the only bad thing of the day had been that a girl that hates me called my name, asked me if I had a pencil sharpener, I turned my head to look for it, and when I turned back to say "no, I don't" she was acting like she never called me, turning her head. And I only looked into the eye to the girl sitting in front of her, who truly hates me. I saw in her eyes she was thinking: "I don't like you, bitch". Well, I don't like you either, bitch.
But that was just a Kodak moment you can throw away.
History was longer than ever. I was falling apart when I came home, I was so tired. I feel so pressured, having to turn in papers everyday, with the weight of two monster-midterms, that each of them requires to read an average of 150 pages, and understand and analyze. Next week doesn't look too well for me.
Now, I don't know why the day didn't end up so well. I guess it's because I regret getting too involved between Victor and Cel. Victor told me she'd said she needed a break from the relationship. She does love him, but needs a break. "Just don't bring that up anymore", Victor told me. He said it in the nicest way, but if you want to think Freud, he meant "stay away, ok?, you'll complicate everything more than it already is". He had the right to say it, anyway. He's scared to lose her. And I could be overwhelming her.
I felt guilty for always pushing her to get together with Victor. In a way, I feel I've pressured her. She didn't log on tonight, and part of me says it's because she doesn't want to talk to me (and probably to Victor). It was just yesterday that I discovered how unstable she is, but it's not like I blame her. That's just her personality. And if she needs a break, then that's fine.
But I...maybe I screwed up with her. I'd like to apologize for pressuring her but I've taken the decision not to bring up the Victor topic anymore. If it was up to me, I'd say goodbye to her (and everybody else) right away and I'd take my shattered pride and glowing stupidity under a rock and stay there to rot.
I don't know if it's a good thing that I've finally achieved what I wanted to achieve: to realize D kicked me out of his life for good. I just realized that yesterday, at night, at the 10 of the clock. It wasn't so hard now, wasn't it?
I thought about that, about his "I couldn't care less" attitude, about him laughing at me...and it was like seeing the light...or the opposite. It was more like a blackout.
That led me to realize I will never solve the conflict. I will never get to tell him "you hurt me so much" and all the things I'd like to say. That happened with Veronica and Carmen, that's gonna have to happen again, with him. I will carry that weight with me for the entire life (which right now I'm praying to be over shorlty), unless I have a bad case of amnesia. But I doubt it. And so, I will always carry that weight, "they got away with stepping all over me, I let them get away with it". I don't think I'll ever get rid of this horrible feeling, it's like a trauma, a small trauma.
It's really dumb of me to cry over things like these when there are people who have gone and are going through rougher shit. It's really selfish and self-centered of me. I hate myself for that, but at the same time, it's my pain, and it HURTS. Maybe I shouldn't be hurting for things that happened 5 years ago, but the truth is I am. That's stupid, and that shows how weak I am. And the weakness shows I shouldn't be alive, because the weak has to dissapear. I don't share that opinion, specially with humans, but I'm making myself an exception to the rule because I deserve that.
So now I have nothing left. Nothing but a lot of pressure, things I've left unsaid, things I've overdone and my own kept-quiet feelings exploding inside of me.
I saw a lot of murders on TV tonight. It's just my luck, I guess. Dad was changing channels. Someone got his head crushed by a huge fan, two were stabbed, one was drowned. It was either an unusual programation or I just have been living in denial about society. I think it's just that I rarely watch TV at night.
(in words of John: their all washin the rabio)
I have a headache, my knees hurt, I feel my ears are going to explode (that odd feeling when you've been riding in a car for so long) and I'm tired. I'm going to cry (because I feel guilty and unwanted), I'm going to do what I haven't done in weeks, and then probably I'll get some sleep after cleaning up. So I can wake up later this morning, and come to find out everything's the same.