This day in Beatle and Aerosmith History is brought to you by Little Buddy Furniture and the XX century.

My web server crashed last night, right after I submitted my last entry. There was a blackout (therefore the web server crashed) and I had to sleep on the floor.

Yes, those two events do relate to one another. Blackout = no energy = no fan = heat = mosquitoes. They were eating me alive, and I was sweating. You can't sleep when you're sweating, can you? So I slept on the floor, which is always cold.

I woke up with a sore jaw, but at least I got some sleep. Dumb mosquitoes, I bet they were flying around my bed and couldn't find me.

I cried three times today. While showering, after my dad made me feel dumb (in the morning) and after he said I'm rude even when he asks nicely (in the afternoon). He does, but it's always about the same goddamn thing, the fuckin' computer. He never learns, and I have to always explain the same things, and he always interrupts me, because it so happens I'm doing something else. I was half-asleep and he screams my name, because the computer wouldn't awake. I HAVE TOLD HIM TO RESTART IT, which he never does. He can't fuckin' press the button, oh, no; he has to wake me up and have me do it for him.

I cried first because I remembered the worst part of my time with D, which would be the recesses when he'd ignore me completely. When I'd be around, just so he'd see me and come up to say hello, but instead he'd just take so long I'd get tired of waiting and go in my classroom, or he'd simply not come up.

That's what hurts the most. That, and when it'd happen at the UCA cafeteria, early this year. I hated my head for making me remember that. And then, I realized he hangs out with Veronica, someone who treated me as heartlessly (only back in 8th grade).

So I've been truly sad the entire day, wanting to cut but afraid of getting another keloid. Scars are good, but keloids are not.

But if there's one good thing about my life is that I am REALLY happy to be in psychology. I don't think there's any other career that could fulfill me like psychology does. And so, I realized that sometimes, at the UCA, I am happy. Not all of the time, of course. But for example, tonight I was in Introduction To Psychology, and suddenly, I got a chill. Not a physical one, but I smiled inside. "I really like this", I said to myself.

Since sunday night I've eaten nothing but junk food. Sunday night, burguers and fries. Monday morning, burguers and fries (leftovers). Monday noon, fried chicken. Monday night, pizza. This morning: Chips Ahoy. This noon, more burguers and fries (leftovers). Yes, I realize I've been eating like a pig *bites lip* It won't happen again.

Ok, but that's a tangent. The point is I'm a little happy when I'm with my UCA gang, because they're so funny. I happen to enjoy class, because I'm a geek and I like to learn. It does get me bored at times, but I like to learn, ok? Get off of me.

But on the other hand...I don't like my life. Well, no....it's not my *life*. It's what happened in it. It's *who* happened...all those people that brought me down to my knees, that had me secretly begging them to stop hurting me. And it's me, also...I never did anything to stop them. I never said a word, and I was expecting them to figure it out on their own, hoping they would notice.

But hey, the past is in the past, isn't it? (how eloquent of me).

Yeah, that's the problem. I can't fix a broken past.

I feel kind of abandoned now. Cel hasn't logged in, and I think she's still in denial or something, that "phase" of getting away from everything. I really don't feel like talking to her, anyway. She says she's falling apart herself, I guess she has her own problems to take care of.

Victor has been really supportive to me, in every way. I could swear he's the only one I can really count on. He told me that Victoria said today I looked sad (funny, and I thought I looked happy) and asked me if something was wrong, and said that if I needed to talk, he was there for me. I know he is. But he's shattered too. Cel and her phase of denial are tearing him apart. I know, I've seen. He looked so sad yesterday. I'd feel really bad if I put another weight on him. And besides, there are some things I can't really tell him. I can't tell him that I saw Cel smoking yesterday and that it upset me, because he HATES the fact that she smokes and says that if she really loved him she'd quit...so he'd go "she smokes, she doesn't care about me" - which is fair for him to say it. But it's unfair for him to get to that point.

Then, there's....no one else. There's no one I can run to. I have a lot of friends, but I don't know...there are different kinds of friends, and I'm missing the highest level. I always think "oh, (s)he is", but it doesn't last long. Not Veronica, not D...I don't want to say this about Cel, but at least for now...not Cel.

Well, at least Mikey is online. He *is* part of the highest level, you know? I would be going nuts right now if it wasn't for him and our conversations. Oh, man...there he goes...offline.

I'm sad. "Depressed" (quotation marks, because I don't think it's the clinical deal). I feel bad, and I could break down....and I'm in the middle of the roughest midterms, too. It never fails.

Funny, this thing of biting the dust.

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