Thursday, 05/01/03 - 5:57 pm.
Well, I must admit april went by faster than march.
Today is Labor's Day (-noshit-), and it's also The Guy's 18th birthday. I was thinking of giving him a call, but then I realized he's never really been a friend of mine. An e-card will do. I don't even know what to write besides "happy birthday".
This month is filled with birthdays: Cel, Veronica, Carmen, Fidel, Mikey, Dany, the guy, Elsy...joy, uh-huh.
Today's been sickening. Studying Phylosophic Anthropology, babysitting the nephew for a couple of hours, driving around the neighboorhood...I've finally understood the art of driving, and I guess I'm getting better at it. And listening to The Beatles while driving makes it more enjoyable.
I cried this morning. Twice. Besides the fact that I hate being at home with both parents, because it's annoying and they make me feel like a 5 year-old only child, Besides, I'm still being haunted by all this.
Probably it's just in my head. But I feel no pain in my head, only in my heart. I'm just probably a drama queen.
I just don't understand. It's all my fault. For letting things get to me. For making them bigger than they already are. Is that so? I never meant to let that happen. I know, I should've just said "listen, you hurt me, our friendship is done" two weeks after Veronica and Carmen started to treat me like shit. I should've told the guy: "NO, just stay away from me", the moment he started to touch me. I should've just said to D: "well, I don't know what got into you, but if it's what you want, let's forget about each other for good", the week after he pretended I didn't exist.
It's all my fault, then?
I'm kind of getting used to hunger. I mean, I'm not throwing up or anything, I just try to eat three times a day. Then it's just water. I really don't know why I do it, but I tell you it doesn't make me feel any worse.
I think of Veronica's birthday next tuesday, and I know I MUST make an appearance anytime in her day. I really want to, she's been a good casual acquantaince. I don't want to be like D was for my birthday...unexistant.
You know what'd hurt? If D went to her birthday party, whether I go or not. I'm not saying "oh, no, I hope he doesn't go", I'm just saying that'd hurt me. I imagine he'll greet her and give her a hug and all the things your friend does to you when it's your birthday. Which he didn't do on my birthday...not even "happy birthday". The day before he said "I hope yours is better than mine" and the day after "I didn't say anything, but I did remember".
It just hurts. Do you get the point? The person you're love in love with and you die for says nothing about your birthday (in fact, he doesn't even talk to you that day), but goes to your friend's party. It's not jealousy, it's the fact that I wasn't important enough for him to wish me "happy birthday". I didn't want a fuckin' present from him, I just wanted to hear "happy birthday". Clich�, but it's better than nothing. It hurts me to think he didn't like my present for his birthday (the Aerosmith CD, the small greeting card, the short letter, the photo film case filled with small rocks from Honduras and the tiny smiling blue star).
See, it's my fault. I shouldn't be dwelling on things that happened months ago. I just let them get to me.
You know what'd be funny? If D and Veronica fell in love. Oh, how fun. I'd secretly reach the next level as a drama queen, honestly smiling for them but crying out of self-pity.
The only person I can kind of talk to is Victor. Cel hast lost herself again. I remember what she said "I don't want us to drift apart". While I was crying for the second time this morning, I realized that's something Veronica always told me. And besides, for what Victor tells me, she might be leaving for Canada (for good) around june. I don't want to lose her (haven't I already?)
I never mean to get rid of anyone in my life, but they always leave me.
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