I can't tell him.
Friday, 05/02/03 - 12:15 pm.

- Me: (stupid bitch)
- Victor: but you still love him, don't you?
- Me: Kind of...a little...I don't know. I miss him sometimes.

Victor and I talked about D for a long time last night. He kept encouraging me to let him know how much he hurt me. Say this, say that, face to face, by e-mail...so many options, so many ways to do it.

- Victor: don't worry about him anymore. Worry about yourself. You're hurt and damaged, and that isn't fair for you at all.

He's been very supportive. He cares a lot about me. He's said all of the things I've thought about him, about letting him know. He's right, I should let him know I'm hurt. I know that...I just can't.

I don't know where to begin, how to say it, how to even approach to D. He's this stranger that made no commitment to me, and so I feel I have no right to come and say "you owe me this". I'm afraid he wouldn't understand. I'm afraid I couldn't express exactly what I feel, it's too much.

Hi.
COULDN'T YOU SEE I REALLY LIKED YOU?!?!?!

I'll be earlier at the UCA today, and I might see him. I want to see him...Christ, why can't I fight this for once and for all? I KNOW I shouldn't see him, I shouldn't look for him, I should just forget about him and everything...I KNOW. But it's my weakness of always thinking "maybe today, maybe today"...I thought hope had died but it's always around, always coming to screw me up, over and over again. I don't want to be hopeful, I always end up even more fucked up. It's over, why can't I get that simple idea in my fuckin' head?

*sigh* Meanwhile, I have a midterm today. Handy, isn't it? I always have exams when I'm too fucked up to focus on studying. Though so far my emotions don't seem to affect the little intelligence I have, so no one has been able to tell "oh, she's fucked up" by checking out my grades. No one will.

I haven't talked to Cel since the day I saw her and I'm mostly sorry for Victor. I wish she made up her mind and decided to take him back into her life. He's a good boy...he's a wonderful boy, and he loves her to death. I don't know why she has to think over that subject so much, you don't think over those things, she has it all, she just has to take it. I hope she goes for him. SOON.

- Victor: so what do you think is easier: telling him everything and getting it off your chest OR living with that weight for the rest of your life?

The answer is logical, isn't it?
Unless you're me.

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