Monday, 05/05/03 - 9:22 pm.
So today it was my first psychology experiment and it went...err, not entirely ok, but still, the instructor said we did a good job "to be the first experience".
I'd talk about it, but it seems like it was yesterday.
It's been a long day at the UCA (since 10 am), and the worst part was in the afternoon, hoping to see D, hanging out with my gang (well, I was, they were studying for a midterm), near his classroom, waiting to see him come out. When his class was over, I noticed neither him or Veronica came out...turned out they'd skipped class.
I swear I was anxious, desperate to see him, walking in circles, praying to God to let me see him, not sure if what I was feeling was positive or negative. I simply didn't know.
Long story short, I didn't see him. My class started, and I thought that my anxiety was probably because I saw it coming, I saw disappointment coming. I really never pray to God for shallow things like that (running into the boy I like), and I thought: well, now you see why...because He won't care for those...ask for World Peace or something really important.
I also thought that perhaps nothing was happening because I was expecting them to happen. Yeah, right.
My first period finished, and I headed over to the cafeteria, to spend my period off. To my surprise, D and Veronica were coming almost my way, so I started walking faster, and it looked like we ran into one another by accident. I swear the D subject was out of my mind by then (I was actually thinking of a new ending for Alfred Hithcock's Vertigo)...err, ok...so maybe things do happen when you least expect them.
We talked about nothing important. Veronica left and D was coming my way, so he walked with me. And we talked about nothing important.
A classmate of mine saw me and asked me to lend her my notebook so she could get a class she missed. D said: "well, see you later" and left. I was going to tell him to wait for me, as I was only going to give the notebook to her (and she could give it back to me on the next period), but I said nothing. If that's what you want... I thought. And I had to walk quite a few feet away from him, just watching his back.
I thought it was really funny. I did get to see him. Is that why I was feeling anxious? I don't know. And I'm really not sure if it was of any use...well, it was. For better (getting back together -NO.WAY-) or for worse (realizing he truly doesn't want me). But it must've been of any use....yes, it was definitely for worse, in a good way (...I think...).
So tomorrow is Veronica's birthday, and I'm going to her party after I finish class. I don't know if D will be there. I shouldn't care. Today...well, he could've waited for me, but he chose to go on his own. I mean, that's his choice. It's just...that it says a lot, and by I know I should've gotten the message.
I'm still feeling anxious, very nervous. I don't know why. I think I need to release something...but I don't know what. Anxiety, duh. I think I need to break (or cut) something.
Well, you know what Fight Club says: losing everything is freedom.
I don't know how to apply this to my situation, but it's still so very true.
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