Tuesday, 05/06/03 - 11:57 am.
Hi, The Linda McCartney Story will be on TV shortly.
Well, it's Veronica's birthday today. The 18th. I'm happy for her, and I hope the surprise party goes well and she enjoys herself and that this will become a day to remember for the happiness it brought to her.
Yes, I really do.
I had a bad feeling last night. Bad, bad feeling, like I was certain something bad was going to happen today. It sort of faded out after I cut my wrist, though. I'm wondering if I only needed to release anxiety. I'm a bit nervous, maybe I'm just hoping Veronica's surprise party will be a real surprise for her.
I had awful dreams last night. Let me clarify: Veronica is really special. I've always felt inferior next to her. And it's not jealousy, I'm not into being the center of attention...I mean, neither she is into it, but usually that's what she becomes. She has a magnetic personality.
Since 8th grade, everything revolved around her. I understood, as she was having these and those problems and needed attention, but...she (and her friends) makes me feel unimportant at times. It's not on purpose, I know. Still, good job...
But you see, I really never had serious problems that'd make me cry. I started with those because of Veronica and Carmen. They got their share of problems, I was somehow affected, and just when I needed them, they weren't for me, as they were taking care of their own problems. I mean, that's alright. I don't condone emotional self-protection. But it's been always that way...just when I need someone (like right now), all of the "someones" are busier with their own problems.
So my dream was about 8th grade, about this. About apparently having insignificant, less important problems than my friends (and in fact, I guess they were), and being neglected because of that. I always felt a little neglected by them, but maybe that's just me.
Only instead of Veronica and Carmen it was Veronica and D. I guess they were together (dating, that is). I was crying, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't because of that (of course I wouldn't be crying in front of them if they were boyfriend and girlfriend!)...anyway, I was crying, walking down the hallways, and they saw me. They were very serious, but they waved and smiled at me. I felt weak and leaned to the wall, next to a classroom door, with tears sliding down my cheeks. D approached and waved and smiled again at me, but instead of coming up to me, like I thought he would, he went through the door. He didn't even notice I was crying...
(then I had a dream about a virus attacking my computer...the virus talked to me and introduced himself as homosexual).
I shouldn't go tonight. I don't feel well. I want to die, SO BAD. I don't feel good among them. I'm afraid I'll ruin her party. I'm afraid everything will go wrong because of me. But I owe her this. She IS special, and she deserves to know she's loved by so many people. *sigh* I know I mean something to her...although I can't erase those thoughts from 8th grade (me, the meaningless, unimportant, problem-less drama queen).
I only want to die. I swear that's all I want to do. And you know what's worse? I can't do that today. Not on her birthday. It's just that her being the center of attention brings me so many rotten memories...
I'm so scared. I swear to God I'm scared. I just want this day to end. I want for Veronica a happy day with a happy ending. I want for me...just an end.
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