Die, die, die!!!
Wednesday, 05/07/03 - 10:35 am.

Thank God everything went ok yesterday.

At 3:00 I met Veronica, D and Rod at the UCA, and I gave Veronica her birthday present. We hung out for almost two hours (my classes start at 4:30, and they skipped theirs). I think D had a headache....and I think he's uncomfortable when I'm around. We were sitting somewhere and he said "I'll be right back", and came back around 20 minutes later.

I was relieved to find out my bad feeling didn't come true. At 4:00 we were sitting on the grass, in a garden (around a bulding) and Veronica seemed really happy. D was trying not to listen to whatever I was saying, I guess, because I'd say something "funny", and he'd be the only one who wouldn't laugh. He was concentrated on my Psychology book.

But anyway, I left them and went to class. I was notified my last period was called off, so I got to get about an hour earlier to Veronica's party.

Her house is small, truly small. But I love it. She lives in this sort of apartment complex, with a tiny patio in the middle. Rod, Claudia, Veronica and her two neighbors were dancing in the living room (there was barely more room than that). Norman and D were on the doorway, talking. To my disappointment, Roberto had left earlier and Adri didn't even show up.

D was leaving, because he still had a headache. So Veronica's mom decided to hurry the "cake moment". He sort of stayed longer than he'd planned. It was funny seeing him cuddle with Claudia. Hurtful, but funny. That's just how she treats her boy friends, so it's not like I was mad at her....hands all over and such, she's very flirty. He lifted her and hugged her and everything...and then I saw him leave in his car (I got a little worried, because I overheard Norman asking him if he could make it on his own...he still had a headache, and didn't know the exact way back home, because he'd never been in that neighborhood before....I hope he made it home ok).

After he left, the rest of us just sat on couches and listened to music and talked. It was really nice, I loved it. I really like Veronica's house. Then Rod gave Claudia, Norman and me a lift. He's a great driver (I though so, anyway), and his car is really cool. Rod's really handsome, and he just looked too cool in his car.

I'm so happy for Veronica. I was so scared something would go wrong with the party, I was scared I'd break down in the middle of it, or that she'd see my scars and I'd ruin her moment...but I got to hide my bad emotions, and I actually enjoyed it. She was having a great time. And the surprise party made her cry....aw, how sweet. I hope my bad feeling was just my imagination. I hope that means I'm losing my mind so I'll get to be on medication, overdose and die.

On the way home, Norman was explaining to Rod and me all about the gifts Veronica got, and I found out what D got her for her birthday: a $17 (or something) necklace. I thought it was so cute that he took the time to find her the perfect gift.

I've seen you happy these past two days, Veronica said to me yesterday, when we were sitting together.

Couldn't be farther from the truth, I thought.

I only smiled....I was going to show her my wrists, I was going to tell her because you can't see me any other way on your birthday....but I only smiled.

When I got home I broke down. It's not jealousy of Veronica. I know D drove her home, gave her a $17 necklace, I'm so happy about that, that goes to prove how thoughtful he is. It's not her, it's not him. It's just....me. It's just the fact that I wasn't important enough to him to provoke any thoughtfulness in him. A "happy birthday" on IM would have been ENOUGH to me. But that's too much to ask, isn't it?

I don't know how to put this....I don't know. I compare Veronica's friendship with mine towards him, and I wonder what I did wrong...once again, she is the special one. The one that's worth. A better friend. The best friend. And please don't think I'm jealous of her. I don't deny she is special, she is a caring, wonderful friend......it's not about her, it's about me....I did something wrong, but I don't even know what it is, if I always tried my best, if I never asked him for anything. I see him now and I know I'm below his expectations....I'm just nothing....or too ugly, too fat, you name it. I make him uncomfortable and I probably disgust him.

I cried and cried for two hours (until 1 am). I cut a little bit more, my eyes looked drowned in blood, and my face as it I'd just washed it, completely wet. Hating myself for being worthless, hating the world for making me feel even more worthless. I don't remember crying like this before, ever. I cleaned my blood with my tears, feeling that those are the only things I have left.

I got my act together and wrote a short goodbye letter, because I'd completely lost my mind, and I was about to slit my wrists, once and for all. And in that moment, when I finished it and put it on my pillow, I kind of knew what it felt to die. And I liked it....it's peaceful. And maybe one day I'll get to go ALL the way.

When I woke up this morning, I couldn't cry anymore. And I realized I hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday. That's 18 hours. I've been trying to get rid of the hunger the entire morning, but it won't go away. I'm also disgusted. I want to throw up. I was going to throw up when I was crying, because I was keeping myself from making any noise, so my parents wouldn't find out. I'd feel pressure in my stomach, so that's how the hunger disappeared. I'm hungry, but I want to throw up.

Every day I'm more and more convinced I HAVE to die. Soon.

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