Another day...and, just like the rest, it's making everything worse.
Sunday, 05/11/03 - 11:42 pm.

A huge red X accross my thight. There is. The largest scar I've ever had. I didn't bleed so much, but I've never bled like that. It did made me feel better.

I've felt depressed (ok, I give up, there's no other word) today. I've cried God knows how many times, for only He knows how long. I even thought of writing to my mother (and we live in the same house, go figure), explaining her, asking her for help...I probably won't. I'd hate to worry her.

I thought going out for dinner with my family would cheer me up, but it didn't. It was ok, but it didn't help. Neither getting my long-awaited Beatles CDs did. I mean, I was happy to finally get them...but it wasn't like I was as excited as I expected.

My dad's been treating me bad. I know it's my fault for being a bitch. And that's why I keep it all to myself. God forbid I complain or lose my patience (I think I don't have any anymore) in a noticeable way, he'll tell me I'm a spoiled bitch...with less hurting words, that is...but the tone he uses, and God, the face he makes...it hurts. And I feel guilty for being such a bitch BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!! I'm hyper sensitive and impatience and on the verge of breaking down, I try to hide it but I've lost control over myself. So I slip and he..he makes that face and uses that tone that makes me cry and cry and cry...I can't say anything. Even if it's not anger towards him, he gets pissed at me, telling me I should be more patient I FUCKIN' KNOW THAT, JERK!!!!!!!

So now not only do I have emotional disorders (or WHATEVER you want to call them) but also a dad that only makes it worse. I lose control over something, he notices and goes: "For Christ's sake, do you ALWAYS have to be like THIS?!"...the tone, that tone...it terrifies me, it brings me down to my knees and cry, it makes want to yell and smash my head, it makes me want to beg to him to forgive me and to try to understand me.

And I hate him, I HATE him. But I just swallow everything (that huge ball of pain down your throat)...and minutes later, he's giving me my allowance, asking me if I need more. And then I feel guilty, thinking what a good dad he is, wishing he hated me, so it'd be alright to hate him back.

My mom is a bit softer and understands me more, so I was thinking of giving her a letter, explaining her as much as I could how I feel. Frankly, this morning it was too much. I was shaking, and for the first time in my life, it hurt to breathe. She just asked me to use the computer and I thought that it's been on the entire day, she could've used it before, but no, she wants to write an e-mail right when I'm on it. I couldn't hide my anger very well, and she noticed, but only said that she'd be done soon. I felt guilty for being like this. I suppose my dad heard and noticed too, and THANK GOD he just didn't open his mouth or I'd have broken down right there and he'd have started saying "no one can EVER tell you anything, can one? You're impossible to deal with".

I want to say goodbye. I'd like to go to bed, but crying in bed, specially with the lights off, is very annoying.

Borderline
You're a loose cannon emotionally, aren't cha? Your moods are all over the place, leaving people confused about what the hell your problem is.
But it's as simple as this: you see things in complete black and white terms. You feel the highs and lows of the mood spectrum with passion.
Thus, you are inclined to bouts of anger and rage, rather than just being a little peeved like regular people. But most of the time, you probably take out your anger on yourself by self mutilating.
You need extensive psychological help, but because you are not delusional, or throwing yourself out windows, no one really notices. Sucks, don't it?


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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