Thursday, 05/15/03 - 3:05 pm.
Oh, Lord. My period arrived today. Thank God my class starts at 5:30 today. This is torture, TORTURETORTURETORTURE.
Cel sent an e-mail to Angie about Victor. "He's a good guy, don't worry about any ghosts from the past between him and me, just give him time to heal", etc.
Angie replied to Cel: "thanks, you're such a nice girl. I will definitely wait for Victor, he's worth all the time", etc.
I read both e-mails and I wondered what. What do I have to do with all that. Cel sent them to me, but I felt like an outsider.
I hope Victor recovers and ends up with Angie. I saw them yesterday together, they sat together and everything. I felt jealous and I don't even have a crush on him. Probably because I won't get to spend as much time with him from now on. But that's alright, I'm so happy to see them together.
I told Victor: it's what Steven Tyler says in 'Dream On': "all the things you do come back to you". You waited patiently for Cel, and now someone is patiently waiting for you. I'm happy for him.
Cel said yesterday to me: you have it all in your life, but there's something you're missing...the sense of it.
Gee.
I have two more reasons not to tell my mom. First, she'll say I just need exercise and drink water and eat fruits. Her master answer. It never bothers me much, because I know she's right, at least on the fruit and exercise part. "You need to get out more", she'll say. THAT'S THE POINT, I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE. Oh, yes. "Make an effort". Have I mentioned EVERYTHING is an effort to me now? And pointless too.
(I just told my mom about my cramps and she asked if I'd like to go see a doctor..."but you have to exercise, too, it always help". Awww, my mom).
Second, therapy. I don't think my state calls for therapy. I bet I'll go to therapy the first day and I'll get out of it with joy and jumping and smiling, and they'll say I really didn't need it. Besides, money. Money. How much does therapy cost? Oh, yeah, my mom is a psychologist, you think she'd treat me? You think I'd tell her everything about my life?
Say, why's my mom coming up so much in this entry, anyway?
She fixed my Beatles For Begginers book yesterday, by the way. I was reading it for Javier and he accidentally ripped apart a page. It was the most hilarious John Lennon drawing...we were cracking up over it, and he ripped it while trying to hide it from me, because I couldn't stop laughing and he wanted me to go on reading...I suddenly stopped laughing, but I refrained from telling him anything, I thought he'd be feeling bad enough, so I just went on reading, although I couldn't help having an upset tone in my voice....as much as it's a Beatles book, it was an accident. So anyway, my mom fixed it with tape.
On unrelated happenings, I saw D yesterday at the UCA. I tried to ignore him. I sort of did. I don't think he noticed I ignored him. But I felt "ok". At least I didn't cry.
No one was online last night, except for Angie. And D, who only said: "hello...just a quick hi, because I have to go..." and listed about 10 tasks, then left.
I feel lonely. And alone. And abandoned. And isolated. And in pain (physical pain, mostly).
(*peeks through curtain* Look, the neighbors are moving out. There goes the moving van...)
I HATE that feeling...of knowing how everything will be. Of knowing that today will be like yesterday and tomorrow will be like today. Everything is a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy...
Waking up it's becoming SUCH a disappointment, and something I would like to avoid.
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