Friday, 05/30/03 - 11:57 am.
When did I met D?...8th grade, I believe. We were friends, and everything was ok until the biting started. I had no romantic feelings for him until then. And before D, there was the guy. It wasn't love with the guy, it was raging hormones (because it does feel nice to be wanted). With D it was beyond hormones (although those started everything, I'm sure), and I was really in love with him.
My crushes last between 48 hours and a week. I realize they're only nice guys that want to be my friends, so I move on. I'd moved on faster had D talked to me openly from the beggining: "listen, I like you, but as a friend". Hurtful. But the truth hurts...and I'd rather be hurt by the truth than by a lie.
But before I go on a tangent...the point is I have a new crush. And that's something I hadn't felt in a long, long time, because I've been busy struggling with the guy, then with D.
I had a theory...The "thing" with the guy started in june 5, 2001. The "thing" with D started around july, 2002. So I was thinking that the next boy in line would come around in the middle of the year, and would do what D did for me when it came to the guy: come in the picture like a romantic figure and help me get over the previous guy. So probably the next boy in line is 1. Cel's friend (that I met on wednesday, along with 2). It doesn't take a lot for me to develop a crush, you know?
He's different from the other boys I've been involved with (Rene, the guy and D). He's just different, in a *good* way. He's not just different from them, he's *better*.
So, yes, I thought about him the entire day (yesterday)...but I didn't tell Cel, I would never admit a crush, because it makes me feel pathetic (leave me alone). I was hoping I'd find him yesterday at the UCA, so the crush would come to an end, and we'd stay good-friends-that-run-into-each-other-occassionally.
Cel: *2* told me he thought you were cute. He wrote it for me in a note.
It's odd, considering we talked for only 5 minutes or so. It must have been the Sesame Street comment ("well, besides Aerosmith's and Beatles', I own a Sesame Street album"), he said it was a weird mixing and couldn't top it off.
Cel: he talked about Freud a lot today.
But she's talking about 1 here. It didn't surprise me because I'd bring up Freud quite often during our conversation. My mantra has become "Freud'd say...".
- Cel: can I give you some girlish news?...it's about you...
- Me: err, yes, of course.
- Cel: He likes you.
For some reason, I was expecting her to say that about 1. But just because I was still thinking of him and when I'm on the highest level of a crush I get delusional.
How is it possible? We only talked for half an hour. I mean, I did feel a lot of things for him, things I hadn't felt in a long time, but that's not unusual in me. The fact that he felt somewhat the same way is shocking, and I'm wondering if there's love at first sight. I still don't believe in that, but I could feel the connection between us (that I thought it was just my paranoia). He's just the kind of people that make you feel you've known them for a long time when in reality it's been only 5 minutes.
And then I realized he's actually the first person I've met that's given me that impression.
Crushes are alright, because sometimes they take you through the day and give you endorphines and stuff. But a crush is not alright when it makes you feel butterflies in your stomach to the point of throwing up, and makes you fall asleep at 2:30 am.
Who is he to just come in and say he likes me when we've been together for less than an hour? Who is he to come in and make me feel I'm over D completely, to make me realize that, in the big scheme of things, he and I would never work out (I've been giving a lot of thought to it for some time now though)? Who is he to make me feel...alright, all of a sudden?
He's the next one, isn't he? The one I knew would come along to help me get over D for once and for all. Then that means he'll hurt me, too. Because it always happen. Always, always.
But something tells me this "1" could be different. Because (I think) he's different, so much better. After all, you don't write an entry like this about a person you met and hung out with for only half an hour.
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