Sunday, 06/01/03 - 4:15 pm.
Forget it, I'm not meant to feel alright for a long while. I was, I swear I was ok since I met 1 on wednesday and ever since, but now the alright-ness is gone. Because my state of mind is rotten by nature, but also because my UCA mates have failed me (have I failed them?).
I'm not complaining or crying saying I will never be happy, it's not that. Happiness is just moments, they last seconds or years, happiness is not an entire life because happiness is not the only feeling that exists.
But that's besides the point.
I just need to vent. About my mates. I can't rely on them to have a good work done. We have to turn in our paper on our experiment (that was on monday, two weeks ago) tomorrow, and they just don't help. I wonder if it's me, if I'm the one who's bossing around and everything, but I believe that cannot be, as I'm so let down by them that I feel telling them everything (yet again) would be a complete loss of time.
I'm the one who puts the paper all together, and that's fine by me. I asked for the job, because I like to do it. I have no problem with hard work. But when it comes to hard work in team, and the rest of the team loses the "hard", then hell breaks loose....for me, anyway.
They're never on time for discussion. In fact, we never discuss. We schedule a meeting, and I find all of them at different times (usually an hour and a half later) at different places, away from where we agreed to meet.
They're never on time to turn in their parts. I'm getting their parts just three days before we turn the paper in. It wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't have a life besides this fuckin' paper (midterms, other papers, other-people-using-the-computer, nephew, sleeptime and meals, tiredness, you name it) and if their parts weren't fundamental for the report. But they are, because with no body there's no digest, no introduction, no group discussion (that it's mostly done by a small group of one person: me) and no conclusions.
And to top it all off, now they've lost the perspective of priorities. I asked Victor last night if he could start writing the introduction, because he has an exceptional talent for that, but he said no, as he was doing a research on the anthropologic philosophy paper. That's funny, because I have to do that, too. It's funnier, because we both are on the same team, and it's even funnier because the introduction is for tomorrow and the AP paper is for friday. I understand he wants to get that AP paper out of the way, as he has the psychology midterm this thursday...but SO DO I.
So I did the introduction myself. It's not that bad, I guess. I am finishing it on my own, and tomorrow I'll tell them I forgot it at home, or that I didn't want to turn it in because it sucks.
Tomorrow will be a long, long day. Starting at 9:30 when I get to the UCA and start working on the experiment. My lazy mates don't want to be part of it (they will, but behind the mirror, taking notes, not participating in the experiment per se). Neither do I, but the fact that I don't trust them makes me want to be in charge of the situation.
Victor has changed a lot to me since he's been dating Angie, and I cried over it last night. Just a couple of tears, nothing terrible. Maybe he hasn't changed, it's just that we don't talk like friends anymore. Now we only talk about homeworks, assignments, papers and midterms...and even like that, he barely says monosyllabes.
It's always heartwarming the way she can get him to smile just like that. It's beautiful the way they love each other, I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm happy for them, but I wish they helped me a little more. I'm not going to include Angie's part (neither Victoria's, as Angie was typing it for her) because as of the time I'm writing this, she hasn't sent it to me. I may sound like a bitch for not giving her more time, but I'm tired, TIRED of working on this. Maybe that'll piss Victor and Angie off. And maybe Victoria will get pissed off at Angie for not getting it on time to me and Angie will release all her anger towards Victoria (because she's a little paranoid and bitchy, too) on me.
Fine, I don't care. Screw them all.
It's raining and everything. I'd like to say I'm wasting my sunday on a stupid paper, but that'd be pure victimization. I'd be bored out of my mind if I wasn't working on it. It's just that I wish they helped.
I wish this team consisted in more than one person.
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