From early morning blood-dripping wrists to handpicked e-flowers (with love?).
Monday, 06/02/03 - 10:30 pm.

Lord, what a day. It started so bad, SO, SO bad...I was so scared and anxious and nervous that I wanted to throw up and I wanted to cry, and I was shaking, and I was sweating cold...but now I feel so much better. Still rotten, but a whole lot better.

The psychology experiment almost failed. Veronica and Adri didn't show up. I felt really let down. They could've told me before, it's kind of hard to get individuals out of the blue (but my mates managed to do it). Thank God Norman was around, he's our "emergency individual". He's participated in ALL of our experiments.

Vic was my individual, too. It was GREAT to see him again. He has a keloid now, the sweet little self-cutter. I'd slit my wrist this morning, pretty badly (or pretty nicely), and he gave me a thick leather bracelet so I could hide it. At the end of the experiment, I walked him out of the laboratory, and we hugged and held hands and he kissed my forehead...I almost cried, because I needed something like that. Besides, I was reminded of beautiful he is, and how I wish I could see him more often.

The experiment was alright. We talked about "troubled teenagers", and studied the discussion group as a whole. I said to Vic afterwards that we were troubled teenagers, and he laughed. I brought up the isolated kind of "troubled teenaged" to the discussion, as they were only talking about party, rebel teenagers. One of the individuals talked about the isolated person (depression, lack of attention, overprotection) and how dangerous it is the person that isolates and is isolated by others, as they keep everything to themselves but one day they explode and hurt people or even themselves.

How eloquent of my wrist.

The morning sucked. I felt isolated indeed. I had the horrible feeling everyone was mad at me for some reason (related to the report). I think Angie is mad at me for what I did. But I am not sorry for doing it. Victor didn't even say hi to me when he arrived. They both didn't talk to me today. They must be very upset, thinking what a hell of a bitch I am. Although the rest of my mates (Victoria, Irene, Ern and Flor) said they understood why I did it.

It was a long, rainy day, and I've felt like crying for most part of it. But you know who cheered me up first and made me start to feel better? Do you know who was the first ray of sun in my day? D. Yes, Denver.

I was in an empty classroom, studying, and he whistled to call my attention. He approached (I thought he'd only waved and then would walk by), and even kissed me on the cheek and commented on my long face. I really appreciated that....the walking over to where I was, that is. You know what's great about this? I think I've finally moved on, entirely. Of course it hurts that feeling of being ignored, but aside from bad memories, I have no hard feelings. And that's great. I love D, and I hope we can keep on being friends.

Cel stayed with me during my first period (from 4:30 to 5:30), and then I walked her to her classroom, for her 5:30 class. On the way I ran into Norman. (he'd leave at 6:20, so he kept me company, and we had a great time catching up...it's been so long since I got to spend some time with him, just the two of us) Yay, Norman!

And then we ran into 1. And we chatted for a while, and then we (Norman and I) left them (Cel and 1), they had to go to class. But before I left, 1 tapped my hand gently and said: "check your e-mail". I'd written him one, asking him when his birthday is.

A lot of things have happened today, too much to talk about them here. It started very, very suicidal, but it's finished in a way even *I* (given my high level of delusion) couldn't imagine.

So this is how things are: I think Victor and Angie are mad at me; Irene has a sorethroat; Ern is ok; Flor kept me company during most of the afternoon; Adri and Veronica didn't show up and I'm a little upset...Veronica seemed a little off when I saw her; I love and miss my Vic, my troubled teenager with a keloid similar to mine; Victoria says "you're not the only one depressed" (I kind of hate that line); my wrist doesn't hurt anymore; I'm ok with D now; I have a lot of assignments.

This has got to be one the weirdest days of my life. God (thank! you! God!) knows I live for these days.

Wait, to top it all off. I got an e-mail from D, really nice...and another one from 1. I'll post the e-mail from D tomorrow. And 1...

He. Sent. Me. Flowers (e-flowers, but what the fuck). No one has ever sent me flowers, not "handpicked and arranged". It's funny, because I always wished someone would to that for me, out of the goodness of their heart.

I mean, Christ...he sent me flowers. Oh, Lord...and you should see what he wrote.

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