Saturday, 06/14/03 - 5:46 pm.
It's been annoying to let people know that I'm with 1, telling the same thing over and over and over again. But then again, it's very annoying to have people tell you: "WHAT? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!".
I told my mom last night. Long lecture on morals, self-security and whatnot. I saw that coming, but it was still nerve-wrecking. I fuckin' know all that. She said it was something natural and it was bound to happen, though.
Then came the hardest part. How do I tell my dad? I was planning on telling him myself, but after what my mom said, I felt discouraged, nervous and scared. "You have to ask your dad if he'll let you". IF HE'LL LET ME? I was going to answer that I really don't need his permission, but I chose not to say anything. Christ, do they have to be so old-fashioned? So if the father says no, then I'm NOT supposed to see him? I'm not emotionless, and I'm not just one dimension (the silent, neat, healthy, well-mannered daugther that walks around the house and never leaves it unless it's for educational purposes).
They always seem to forget that. To their eyes I'm naive, dumb, innocent, a vegetable brain. It's ok that they worry, but I'm not that stupid.
My mom mentioned she had her first boyfriend at 15. "Then tell him that, mom!", I said -almost begged-. "NO, NO!", she said. A God-forbid-he-will-kill-me no. My dad sucks. I've never heard of a dad that cares so much about his children as he does, but for FUCK'S SAKE!!!! His closemindness is utterly sickening.
So I got depressed, anxious, nervous, ill, tearful and scared to death. I even felt insulted...I felt all dirty and slutty. He won't beat me JUST because it's not his style and doesn't believe in physical punishment. I can see him getting mad, angry, upset, furious, and will start lecturing me for hours, and God, I don't know what else. He'll quarrel and yell at me, and will argue and whatnot. I don't think he'll tell me not to see him anymore (even after he's put me through all that psychological punishment), but I definitely can't discard that possibility.
I'm not going to have sex with him, I'm not going to "put on shows" with him, I won't let him take advantage of me (for fuck's sake!!!), I'll introduce him to my parents ("because that'll make him have a more respectful relationship", said my mom....FUCK YOU, mom)...yes, what else would they like to state that isn't obvious to me (and to him)?
I don't want to think about this anymore. I cried last night and this morning, wondering what the fuck I got myself into, and that if it wouldn't be better to just back off. No, of course it wouldn't. I could never let him go.
I got to be with him almost the entire morning today. I wanted to tell him about all this, that I was depressed and scared but I didn't want to worry him....besides, I sort of felt better as the day went on. We watched a movie at the UCA (part of my PA class) at 9 am, and then just hung around until noon.
He was leaving today, he was going to go to his town to visist his parents (he just called me, saying he made it ok). He told me his mom is kind of overprotective, so I'm a little scared of her reaction when she learns her baby boy has a girlfriend. But right now I'm going to worry about my own parental unit.
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