Thursday, 07/03/03 - 4:04 pm.
There are days when you're not comfortable. Inside and outside of you everything is annoying. Lame. Crap.
I wish I could go away. Be somebody else. Someone talented, so I could entertain myself, and have a future.
No...I just wish I could recover the good relationship I used to have with myself.
My nose is stuffed. The weather is disgustingly hot, it paralyzes you. You can't do anything, because it's too hot to be alive (for me, anyway). I can't breathe well (I'm sure my mom will blame that on the lack of exercise) and the mosquitoes sting. It drives me crazy, I CAN'T STAND ALL THIS!!! I'd like to punch myself, to have the strenght to toss myself to the walls.
I'm not in touch with my friends anymore. I've done my share, e-mailing some, sending text messages to some...sometimes I get a reply, most of times I don't. Why do they need me, anyway? It's not like I'm so important in their lives. Closeness is very important in a relationship, you know? I'm not close to them anymore. They have others, and the only real thing that keeps us together is the past. And I'm not sure I want that.
I want to go away. I don't want to stay here, my bedroom is like my grave. Everything in there is awful, and it drives me mad. This house is so empty, so numb. I've lost concentration and I'm not able to study for the psychology final, and I HAVEN'T FINISHED THE STUPID ESSAY BECAUSE I'VE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY!!!!!
I'm suffocating. I don't miss 1...well, I do (he just called to check on me)..it's just that I'm afraid I don't miss him like I should. And having the kids here is not as fulfilling as I thought it'd be. They just grew up (although still being children), you know? They mind their own bussiness, and now I'm just another boring grown-up that can't keep up with them.
I find no happiness in anything anymore. ANYTHING. Everything is now boring, meaningless, pointless. Everything is nothing.