Monday, 07/07/03 - 11:54 am.
I got a haircut today, and I regret it. I want it long, and now it's up to my shoulders again. The lady always cut it shorter than I want.
But that's my only complain today. Yesterday's entry was just the reflex of my recent violent moodswings. Had I written the entry an hour before or later, it'd have been a little less angry.
I talked to Denver last night for a while. I can't believe I've healed this much, I never thought it could be possible. What is he for me now? Just some nice, dumb boy I met in high school that only can talk about blondes, spanish football soccer and how much his life sucks. I try not to dwell on the things that happened with him, in case I relapse or something...hi, I'm ok now.
I repeat to myself that the past is in the past (well, duh) and that is all. Maybe in a couple of days or weeks or months I'll get back to my hatred for what he did, and the voice will begin to yell again. But not now. I'm alright.
(except for the hair)
Alan is coming back in a week or so. The doctors strike (that began in september last year) finished recently and he has to take care of some things here. I want to see him and I'm happy I will, but on the other hand, that brings down all of his wonderful plans in the USA, and that's not nice.
When I look back on entries like the last one...I mean, when I consciously look back on them, I feel selfish and pitiful. And I used not to be that way. I shouldn't be. I tend to think something too subjective is happening inside of me. It's not merely moodswings, it's not any kind of disorder...it could be a mild depression, but only on ocassion. I don't know.
When I'm in a better mood and I'm not thinking of killing myself and stuff, I think what I want to do with my life. I feel that I've wasted 18 years, and that I'll keep on wasting the ones to come...I haven't achieved anything big, I haven't accomplished dreams I have, and most likely I never will. Because there are certain resources that one can't obtain. There are some things in life you don't choose to be in a certain way, no matter how much you wish they were other way.
But at least I'm majoring in psychology. I don't think one can "help the world". Define world (I'd like to see that) and define yourself, there'll always be some incompatibility. I may not get to "help the world", but I'll get to help people. You wouldn't imagine how many fields you can choose from in psychology.
But anyway...*Simeon twangs fork*
I'm seeing 1 today, because I have to go to the UCA to turn in an essay. And since I'm in a good mood, I can't wait to see him and hug him and tell him I love him.
I'm meeting with my friend Nicole next week. She's from Florida, she's Alan's ex-girlfriend cousin. We both (Nicole and me) have met just, once when we were little kids, but have managed to keep a relationship by e-mail. I want to take her bowling.
Most likely, I'm not taking the long-awaited sabbatical from my friends. I mean...no, I'm not.
And I watched the end of Dawson's Creek yesterday. Lovely. I cried. Nearly.