Saturday, 11/17/01 - 10:19 p.m..
Hell, yeah. Suddenly I feel pointless (*standing ovation*).
I can't see beyond 2002. That's my biggest problem.
I'm facing something. I'm facing some kind of emptiness. It's the second time this week. It's like I see no point on finishing the day. Like I have nothing to do....but it's not boredom. I even thought of logging in to the MSN thing and talk...but then I realize it's not what I want. I know who's going to be there and frankly I don't want to talk to them. I check my e-mail and there's not even a stupid one. I don't want to call anybody either (it's too late, anyway).
I was thinking about that "something" I'm looking for. I think I found it. No, I didn't find it. I realized that I do have it, but this thing I have, is the thing that makes me go looking for the real thing.
What I'm looking for is...sense. My life needs a direction, it needs to have sense. That's what I'm looking for. There's gotta be something that will bring sense to my life.
Yet my life does make sense right now....what gives direction to my life is the search for sense itself.
And that's it. That's my huge conclusion after 5 minutes of looking up the ceiling: my life makes no sense. I have to look for something that gives sense to my life. And that search is what brings sense to my life. So I wouldn't need to find that something to have sense, since just looking for sense gives my life sense.
Is that philosophical or just plainly stupid?
I'd say it's philosophically stupid.
Thank you very much.
Anyway...I still feel empty. Not depressed, not sad. Just empty. I'm missing something....I'm pointless. It's like you're waiting for something, or for someone, but then you realize you're just paranoid (I told you...), and it's just your imagination. Then you feel dissapointed.
I'm starting to feel my loneliness deep inside. Weird, I didn't see that coming. I thought I could handle it. I always can. Maybe I'm already getting tired of waiting. Maybe I'm about to lose the sense my life has...I'm already tired of searching. But if I stop searching, my life won't have a minimun of sense, and I won't look for the real sense I'm missing.
Weather: windy. Waiting for the leonids. Half-cloudy. We just had a 4-5 richter seism. Life is unique.
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