I hate the circus, anyway.
Monday, 07/28/03 - 11:03 pm.

I was going to write something earlier.

Well, obviously I didn't.

These past days have been ok. A little empty, and sad, and boring, and lame and depressive, realizing there's really nothing forward to look for...but they have their moments.

There are so many things running through my head right now.

I watched "sweet november" last night, and it made me cry. And it made me think of D. A lot. Perhaps too much. And I wondered, like everyday, if I should talk to him on his birthday. Just tell him "happy birthday", you know? I don't know if it's worth it. All the things I did last year were useless (he brought up the subject of "the Aerosmith CD you gave me for my birthday" 6 months later) and he didn't care for my birthday.

As I'm reading the Beatles biography (written in the 60s, around 1968, and revised in 1985 and 1994 to add John's murder and the release of Anthology), I can't help thinking about my own life. About my future that seems so opaque and cliche, about my boring background, about my complete lack of talents...I even wonder (shamefully) if I'm doing a Cynthia Lennon on 1.

- Interviewer: would you give up everything and run after the circus?
- John Lennon: I've already given everything up, but I still hadn't decided where to run.

Err, well, that basically sums up my thoughts...well, not really, but it's turned out not so long, and that's always nice, now, isn't it?

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