Cheers to the family. Jeers to the damaged self and everything that's caused it.
Friday, 08/01/03 - 10:38 pm.

I've had a great day with the family. I went to see Finding Nemo in the morning, with my sister, my brother, her girlfriend and the kids. When we came back at about 1:30 pm, the rest of the family was already here (except for Alan). I was reminded tomorrow is my parents' 35th anniversary party.

You know that feeling, joy? I had the opposite to that. It's not because of my parents' anniversary (I'm happy about that, of course) but because of the *party*. Around 40 souls it's not a lot...in the big scheme of the universe. Oh, well...it's just one night. And for a good cause, as well.

Maria, my brother Carlos' girlfriend, gave me something when we came back from the movies. Here...I found this at home. I got it a long, long time ago, and I thought it could be of some use to you now. It's that kind of paper for wrapping gifts and such...OF THE BEATLES!!!!! It's amazing! It's so large, and it features six photographs, from their different "eras". I will never ever use it to wrap anything, it'll go straight to my wall as a poster.

The day has been really cool, seeing my whole family here and there throughout the day. My brothers and sister come and go out of the house, doing their things, the kids playing around the house...it's all good. I'm enjoying it, I tell you.

But now, everybody has left, and it's only my parental units and me. And now I feel empty. It's like many experiences in life, when you have too much of a good thing and as soon it disappears, you feel hollow and pointless.

Now I need someone to talk to. And there's nobody.

I need to find something worth doing, that I can actually do. I need an outlet. I feel so alone. I haven't had time for myself lately, and now that I do, I find myself as nothing but useless and dumb, dying to talk to someone, but having nobody to talk to, and nothing worth-talking about.

(actually, there's some...feeling, or thought, or whatever, growing inside of me, but I don't want to talk about this...I mean, I do, really. It's somewhat killing me, but I'm afraid that it'll come true if I talk about it)

I really don't know what I've done to deserve so many blessings in my life. I want to lock myself up and start cutting myself (I find somewhat amusement the way the x-acto knife cuts open the skin, and that keeps me going), but you can't turn your back to all these things, can you? It's all so neat I mustn't put it aside just like that. I suppose I should try to find a way to invest all those good things I've been given in life, and make them count.

I just...haven't found anything. And the more I search, the more disappointed I get. I don't want to give up, because giving up is not an option for me, at least in this case. "Giving up", entirely, means to me "dying". I'd die, I'd slit my wrists and stuff, but...I have a family, you know? They love me. I love them. I could never hurt them, after all the things they've done for me. They are my reason to live. Simple as that.

Today is Rod's birthday. I heard they were celebrating tonight somewhere. I hope he's having a good one. I suppose all of my friends are at his birthday party. I hope so, I hope they're having fun. I want them all to have fun, and have a not so screwed-up life.

I hope even Denver is there. He wants to see you, said Veronica to Rod the day they both (and Norman) came over. For a second I thought she said it to me (she said it just as I was walking out of the living room to get them drinks, and I had my back turned to them), and my heart jumped violently, but of course it wasn't. I pray every night for him to remember me, and react...regret, fondness, I don't know! Something. Anything.

But I'm certain he doesn't remember at all. And I'm just so pissed off, I feel so impotent and worthless. Even almost a year later, I haven't made any significant progress. I am still in love with the pretty boy from senior high, though he doesn't exist anymore. I am aware of that, I'm not in love with the shallow, cold person he is (to me) now. But I can't get over the pain of loving so hard and losing everything so suddenly.

It's funny that a year ago this happened. It's all so far away now...like nothing happened. But the pain is still here. I look at the keloid in my arm, and I tell myself it wasn't just in my head.

I hope one day, not too far away from today, I'll lose my mind. Then perhaps I'll get to get away with everything I want.

prev / next