Friday, 09/19/03 - 11:55 am.
I kind of feel better after yesterday becoming just that, yesterday. It was such a horrible day, specially in the morning. Right after I finished typing the entry, everything came downhill even faster. Not as much for me as for my parents, but if my parents are having all those troubles I get to put up with the consequences. But it's all forgotten now.
I talked to D last night. It's always irrelevant, disappointing and short. The only thing that left me with an unexpected emotion, confusion (because I didn't know whether to crack up or cry), was this:
- Him: I've been seeing that friend of yours, the long-haired boy, very often. He says hi to me, it's surprising, it seems like he does know me.
- Me: really? perhaps he thinks he does know you because he might tend to think he's a projection of mine.
- Him: projection? like a vector... (*bla, bla, bla, physical definition of a projection*)?
- Me: No. Like a shadow on a wall.
That "friend of mine"...I wonder if he knows that this "friend of mine" is my boyfriend (I could've sworn he knew). I bet my boyfriend wouldn't say hi to him if he knew the truth of my feelings (I could've sworn I told 1 who D is). I wonder if D...thinks of me, or is aware of what he caused to me and regrets doing it (I can only wish), or remembers me at all, other than as a contact on his buddy list when I (rarely) go online. I'm not even his fuckin' "buddy".
I am uncapable of love. I'm not in love with D anymore, and I'm certainly not in love with 1. I love him (I love them both for that matter), but I'm not in love. I'll never find the right guy that'll make me want to get married and/or get pregnant...but to be honest, neither has never been a main goal for me in life. I'll be succesful in my career, I'll be single, I'll adopt a few animals from shelters, and I'll adopt one or two or three kids, and I'll name one of them Julian, so I can play for him "Hey, Jude" (McCartney wrote it for Lennon's son, Julian) on my guitar.
< tangent > As of yesterday, I am learning to play "Hey, Jude" on my guitar. I suck, but I'll get it right one day. < /tangent >
Ok, so I was saying...it's not very important that 1 says hi to D. I'm just making a big deal out of it because...I don't know. Perhaps...no, I just can't put it into words. It's not that it bothers me, it's actually somewhat funny...but I can't help feeling weak and delusionally hopeful. I still can't let go of my feelings for D, but I'm pretty sure I would never give him another chance (like he ever cared, in the first place)...when I'm with 1 I think I'd rather be alone, that he's not the boy I want to spend my life with, but I also have a hard time when I think of breaking up with him (maybe it's more because I don't want to hurt him at all...he's so in love with me it scares me).
All boys I get involved with are in love with me, or I am in love with them, but neither both at the same time (you don't know how much I hate myself for thinking I was in love with 1). I don't think I'll ever find that "right guy". I don't care a lot, because what I really want to do is come up with something innovative in psychology and appear on books because of that, and have adopted children to raise them right, and rescue all kinds of animals and live like Ace Ventura.
Suddenly, I'm starting to feel like yesterday. But that's just me, right? Not matter how happy I am, I feel sad, alone, and/or hopeless deep inside (not that I don't enjoy my happy moments...hell, I even enjoy my sad moments).
At least tonight my nephew will sleep over, so I'll have some real fun and he'll keep me from thinking too much. We'll watch 2 hours and a half of Saint Seiya and we'll listen to The Beatles (damn, I can't get him into Aerosmith!).
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