Thursday, 09/25/03 - 12:11 pm.
I saw a rainbow yesterday...well, not a rainbow, it was more like the colors you see in bubbles...duh, ok, a rainbow. A rainbow on the clouds. As if the clouds were bubbles. It was sad, though, because nobody else saw it.
My brother's (brother #1) wife is here, from Houston. She only came for about a week, but it's still nice. I told her I'm going to visit them in december. She seemed glad. I always try to help them out with the kids and the housework. She's telling me that now Rebeca (my niece) has passed on the Beatle fever to all of her girl friends (I passed it on to her, in the first place). I must be selfish, but it's kind of upsetting that now all those stupid pre-preteens are into such a thing like The Beatles. OMG! the beatles, their SO kewl!!!11 im like their biggest FAN!!!. If it's of any help to the world...
I feel like drawing and writing on a notebook right now. Drawing funny, that is. Like John Lennon. Like I could.
1 asked me yesterday if I "wanted" him and that if I wanted to be alone with him (I suppose he meant it as in sexual intercourse). I had a hard, hard time getting to say yes. "Oh, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt" and "obviously"....but hardly a yes. I'm not sexually attracted to my boyfriend, I suck. But it's not my fault, is it? I must lack of a certain kind of hormones.
I've been thinking about depression a lot since I got Prozac Nation. Now I don't know if I've ever been depressed. "Depressed" is now just a label, and that upsets me. Everybody is depressed, my friends say. No, not everybody is. I've never been in a state like Elizabeth, and I've never met someone who is. I still can function on day to day basis and so can my friends. They just have problems, and that's custommary in life. Even if I have troubles focusing on a task, or feel like breaking down here and there, I'm aware I'm not necessarily depressed.
Ok, I'm not depressed. I'm just a sad person with a happy life. If I were a sad person with a sad life (divorced parents who fight a lot, for example) then I'd be depressed. When I begun this diary I used to say I was a happy person with a sad life (school). Being a happy person made me look at the sad life in a more positive way. Then things just came downhill in a personal level (typical teenage issues, but also because I am emotionally weak, I think) and life became a little sad and I lost the capability of being happy. Then life got back to being happy for me, but I couldn't shake the sadness, because my eyes had now a new perspective, of life and the world in general.
I don't even know if I was a happy person or a sad person when I was younger. Both, maybe. I had a good enviroment, to begin with (loving, caring family with the basic needs covered). But when I was a little girl I used to hate myself (A LOT) and hit myself on the walls while taking a shower, because I was so, so ugly. But eventually I found another kinds of beauty that had nothing to do with the human body, and so I got rid of that complex. I don't care if I'm ugly now, I don't even consider myself *that* ugly. It only hits me sporadically, but I believe that's custommary for everybody, strikes of low self-esteem. I guess you could say I'm a happier sad person when I'm alone.
...Say, that was introspective. I didn't know all that until I started typing it.
My mom is a psychologist, and I asked her if there really were cases in which depression dissapeared. I know John Stuart Mill did (and I know because he's material for my History of Psychology midterm) but...is there really a cure?
She said there were new methods nowadays. I asked her what are you supposed to do if you have depression because of your past. She told me about the "right here, right now" therapy; the past already happened, so you should focus on the present. I told her I thought medications only make it all worse and people end up OD'ing, and she said medication is just supportive treatment. She doesn't know a lot about that (she didn't know of Prozac), but that goes to show how psychology develops (and how underdeveloped it is here). She was the first female psychologist in this country, and that was a long, long time ago.
And though she was born a long, long time ago
your mother should know.
That's a Beatles song. 100% tangent.
The point is she says that back in her day, psychologists were only taught how to diagnose things. She said therapy is very important, but I know of clinically depressed people who go to therapy and hate it, as well as their therapist, so then how could therapy be of some use? I tend to think those therapists are too plastic and focus on the disease and not on the individual...but I don't really know them, so I can't tell for sure.
During that conversation with my mom about depression, at times I was feeling like crying a little. Like I wanted to tell her something else. Something like: "mom, I feel really bad sometimes and I don't know why...sometimes I don't even have a reason". But of course I didn't.
Well, it's about to rain, and it's getting a little cold. That's great, because heat drives me crazy.
My wrists hurt, but for good reasons: the right one because I wrote down all of the contributions to psychology from Hypocrates to Whilelm Wundt (general culture: Wund is the father of formal psychology). It took me three hours but it was worth it. The left one hurts because I play guitar (ha, listen to me, "oh, I play guitar"...at least it's partly true).
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