Tuesday, 09/30/03 - 11:59 am.
It's my dad's 67th birthday today, but he's sick. He's very unhappy on his birthdays, you know? Poor mister. He's a great dad.
I dreamed of me looking up the sky from my bed (the roof had a window). I saw a jellyfish floating in the sky, and it turned out to be a UFO. A blue light came through the window and started to scan my bedroom and my brother Alan (who was sleeping in a bed next to mine). I got scared that they might abduct him, but they didn't.
- Dad: so if the chance came up, you'd take it?
- Mom: would you, if you got it?
- Angie: of course you will, you're the one for it! We'll give you money to buy us souvenirs and a digital camera to send us photographs! But don't get too corrupted, ya hear?
- Head: don't be dumb, go for it!!!
- Boyfriend: I would not be on your way, I know this would mean so much to you...I'd wait for you.
The topic? I may apply for a scholarship to Spain next year.
This lady came in the middle of class yesterday and said there was a program to send one, ONE psychology student of any level to a certain University in Madrid, Spain. All you need is to speak basic english (check, I guess), a CUM of 7 and higher (mine is of 9.6)...besides an essay, but that's "further information", which will be given in a meeting this saturday.
I was with Irene, Angie and Ern and they all jumped and said all excited "yes, let's go for it!". I wasn't too keen on the idea. First, I thought my parents wouldn't be ready to let me go and would say something like "wait a little more". Second, I thought I am not ready to leave, at all.
But Angie and Ern started to encourage me and all of a sudden they began to talk like I'd already won the scholarship. Later I told 1, my boyriend, and he said I should go for it, he'd wait for me and stuff.
I told my dad, and he only asked if I'd apply, and I nervously replied why not. He didn't say anything of what I expected (you're not ready, give it some time, and such). He only said ok and then there was some uncomfortable silence, so I changed topic. Pretty much the same with my mom.
So now that I have my parents' blessing (if it's not a solid, straight "no", then most likely it's a yes), I think I could give it a chance. You know, go to the meeting, write the essay...I don't think I'd win, but I wouldn't mind. I just don't want to regret not applying.
I honestly don't feel ready to leave, and I can already picture myself crying to sleep every night overseas. I'd have to leave all the things I've known in life....my whole life. I'd have to leave my little nephew, my parents, my siblings, Frog, my Aerosmith/Beatle stuff, my Simeon box of Simeon books...I'd feel so alone. I'd be really on my own, something I've never experienced, and I still don't feel capable of experiencing.
On the other hand...Christ, think of the possibilities. It's a fuckin' scholarship, they're paying everything for you, your plane tickets, your education, pretty much everything. And Spain is most of psychologists' biggest goal, so why not?!
So although I don't feel entirely ready, I'll go for it. It's always been "if you had the chance, would you do it?", but now it's "now that you have the chance, will you do it?". If I don't get it, fine, I get to go on with my life. If I do get it...that's fine as well...I'd get to have a different life for 6 months.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that for me taking this possibility has two endings (staying home, sweet home; going abroad to study what I love), and both can be happy.
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