Thursday, 10/02/03 - 12:50 pm.
Yesterday the boyfriend told me he felt helpless and lonely and vulnerable. Perhaps I would have thought: "oh, I'm not good enough, then", but I felt relieved, actually.
I asked him if it was because of me that he was feeling lonely. Because he hangs out in my enviroment, and psychology and computers aren't too compatible. He said that it wasn't an excess, but a lack. He said it was a lack of time, that he wanted to be with me (alone) more time, but he also said he understood I had other things to do. He needed me to fill the void. But I can't even fill my own void.
I don't know if it's because he passed those quasidepressive feelings on to me, or because I saw Denver (he didn't see me, or if he did, it wasn't when I was seeing him), but then I felt a little empty myself.
Lately my friends and I have been a little apart. Although we don't sit so far away from one another, we're not all sitting together. We all look more like loners in a common area. Understandable, given that in school we all belonged to different groups of people, it was college what brought us together. It's not so bad, really, because I don't miss them. Don't get me wrong, because they're my pals, the only thing I have in college, but it's not like I long for things to be the way they used to be last semester.
Maybe I do miss them, but right now I don't miss anybody or anything, everything is pure inertia leading to nowhere.
History of Psychology was unbereable, long. No one sat next to me, so I was just staring into space, trying to make sense out of the words the proffesor was saying. Everything was mechanically done and I couldn't move (I could, but I didn't want to...is worse when you have no will). I was numb, avoiding all Denver-related thoughts and everything else for that matter. I held my breath for some time, wishing to pass out. But eventually I breathed in.
I'm buying a guitar this weekend, it's the only thing that makes me blink.
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