Wednesday, 10/08/03 - 12:35 pm.
1 is mad at me. He says he's not, but he is. He wants to spend a lot of time with me, but I have to take care of other things that relate to my career. This is the "psychologist week" (or something) at the UCA. Some classes (in the career of psychology) have been called off and replaced with conferences and such instead.
So yesterday I wanted to attend this conference about legal implications of being a psychologist (now I'm scared a criminal will come and tell me he wants to kill his mother), and I told 1. Do you want me to stay?, he asked. I said I did, but he could get bored, as he's not interested in psychology like I'm not interested in computers. I didn't want to ask him to attend it with me, I knew he'd get bored, it was two hours long. Do you want me to stay?, he asked again. I remained silent. I'll make it easy for you...I'm going to go. And he walked away. And I remained silent.
And he's always saying "yeah, I know this is time for your career, not for me". It is. I'm very focused on it, and I love it, and I'm scared because my grades are dropping one point (9 to 8 -out of 10-, but still...I'm getting closer to being an "average student"). I understand he wants to spend more time with me, but I can't afford to miss any class, I don't want to. I don't ask him to get out or skip class to be with me, and he doesn't ask me, but it's more because he wants to be reciprocal about that.
So I'm thinking of breaking up with him. Because I know it upsets him that I'm not with him all of the time. And honestly, when the conference was over and I headed to a classroom for my last class of the day, I was kind of relieved because I knew he wouldn't be around, waiting and following me like I had a leash on him, and I could get lost in conversations with my mates knowing he wouldn't be holding my hand and secretly waiting for them to shut up and go away.
Perhaps I'm gonna be one of those people in love with their career, like my brother Alan (a doctor) is. One of those who give up romantic relationships because they have other goals, involving getting better at what they are and using their skills to help whoever needs them. I think I picked up from him that sometimes love gets in the way of your goals. I also think I picked up from my brother Carlos (a psychologist) the idea of getting romantically involved with someone of your own category (he lives with his girlfriend, who's also a psychology), because then you have the same goals and share the same interests. To the eyes of many people, being single is a failure, and not having the same interests shouldn't matter if you're in love. I'm not too sure about the latter, but on a personal level I've proven that it does matter. I have no further comments about the former.
I'm actually hoping it's going to be 1 who comes and says: listen I've had it with you, you never give me quality time, and the quantity is deplorable as well, let's break it off. He makes an effort to understand I have to focus on my career (and I do the same for him), but I don't think that makes him any less angry.
I was going to send him a text message last night, saying: I'm sorry, I really wanted you to be with me in the conference, I just didn't ask you to because I didn't want you to get bored out of your mind, I know you don't care for psychology. I'm sorry for upsetting you, I'm sorry for not giving you the quality time you need.
But then I thought to myself: first off, I am not sorry. Because me choosing a conference over him wasn't a mistake. I wanted to attend that conference (and it was remarkably informative, may I add). "I'm sorry for not giving you the quality time you need"...and? "I will make it up for you"? No, I won't. I'm not in conditions to promise anything, really.
Yes, perhaps the best thing to do is to break up. I don't deserve him, and I can't have him like that. It's like the selfishness of having a caged bird. I HATE caged birds (that's why there had been episodes of my life in which my mom runs around the block trying to catch my parrot).
On lighter tangents, my guitar instructor doesn't like Aerosmith (-gasp-). He mocked "Pink". And I didn't have the strenght to stand up for my boys. First, because I understood he doesn't know the Aerosmith of the 70s (not many people do). Second, he was kind of right. Some songs nowadays plainly suck (let's say, the whole Just Push Play album). But, oh, joy, I will lend him Rocks tomorrow.
Last night I saw the boy of my dreams. A nice name, a nice face...and overall, a wonderful, funny personality. He goes from tangent to tangent when he talks and is always making faces and faking voices. I don't know, he's great. But...I don't know him. He was a classmate in high school (got thrown out before senior year) but I never met him properly. He was talking to a friend of mine yesterday, and he only said goodbye to me to be nice. But that's ok, I don't care about him. I just thought he had qualities I like in a boy.
On the other hand, last night I had an awful moment of helplessness and loneliness. I felt so alone and I wanted to cry. I was feeling bad for my boyfriend, because after all, he must be suffering over me. I was feeling...like I was playing hide and seek, and I was hiding under the bed, in darkness and dust...but there wasn't anyone to seek for me.
I sent a text message to Mikey and to Vic, telling them I wish they were with me at that moment (I didn't tell them I felt that bad). I thought I could slit my wrists and no one would take me to the hospital (well, my parents were home, they would have taken me because they do love me...but I was thinking more of my friends), and I'd be found with veins dried out the next day.
I was really going to cut, just for my own amusement (honestly, cutting yourself is a good distractor), but I read a little of Prozac Nation and then, perhaps as a way to avoid physical pain, I felt all sleepy and went to bed, with unharmed skin. It always happen.
I'm not depressed, because depression is something that takes all over yourself. I only have this...black hole in my chest, a heavy black hole (it makes sense in my head) that doesn't allow me to function properly sometimes, that makes it so easy for me to throw myself in bed and not move, and gives me a hard time getting back on my feet and restarting activities. I don't understand why I'm so sad (aside from fuckin' up my boyfriend) Maybe I'm just a lazy person and activity makes me unhappy. But I'm unhappy when I don't move, too.
I feel like I want to want to cry. There's that level when you want to cry but can't. I am above that level, wanting to want to cry. Perhaps if I cried I'd feel lighter. Even if I don't know why I feel so heavy-and-hollow inside, in the first place.