Wednesday, 10/15/03 - 12:24 pm.
I couldn't break up with him, because he went on and on about how much he loved me, without even saying "I love you" one single time.
I tried to start out telling him I felt bad (which is true, anyway), and that I couldn't be there for him, and I couldn't give him what he deserves. That's when he told me all those things, and all I could feel was chained to a relationship that's doing no good to me, but breaking it up means doing harm to the other person.
My last hope to hold onto was but see, that's what scares me...you depend so much on me, and I can't take care of you, and I was going to jump to "I can't handle this relationship anymore", when he interrupted me saying I don't depend on you, I can take care of myself.
What are you gonna do if I ever leave for good?, I asked. And he replied I'd be sad. Very, very sad. But, no offense, I'd go on with my life (I hope he meant that, and wans't that just one of those things you say when you're certain some thing won't happen).
I had tears in my eyes. Because he's in love with me, and I am not in love with him. Because I wished he stopped talking about how much I meant to him. Because I wanted to break up with him, trying to be sincere (hurtful, but sincere) and I just couldn't.
I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't feel he's my friend. I don't even know what to talk about with him. Music, career, friends...different tastes in everything, so I get bored, it doesn't interest me or I just don't understand, and the same with him. I just don't feel like talking to him. I need a friend, not a boyfriend. I've never needed a boyfriend and I'm glad I never ended up with anyone, Rene, the guy, Denver (yes, even Denver...so HA!). No one.
I want Head or Mike or Pablo or Vic. They're my friends, people I can talk about everything, pretty things and ugly things alike. We understand each other. We come from a similar background, to begin with (although between Mike/Head and Pablo/Vic there's a huge gap of personality).
But Mike lives in the USA and Head lives in Canada (both left before senior high *tears*). Vic is far away and Pablo will be even further away, because I just know he'll fuckin' get that goddamn scholarship to Cuba (to major in medicine), he's a brilliant boy. But even if they're far away, there's always something that keeps me together to each of them. Yesterday Pablo was online and when he was saying goodbye to me he said "I love you". And it felt wonderful, because he's my friend. Unlike with 1, I didn't have a hard time replying "I love you so much".
But that's a tangent (a nice tangent, anyway).
I'm not made for romantic relationships, and I don't care. Kisses (specially if involve tongue) are disgusting to me, and I hate it when he moves his hands over me or stands in front of me and kisses me all over my face, slowly and gently. Sweet, perhaps to you, but not to me. I only want to push him away from me. I hate myself for saying yes to him in the first place.
It's alright falling in love, I suppose. In spite of the consequent heartache, I enjoyed having feelings for the guy and Denver. But now I'm just so thankful I didn't end up with either of them.
I must sound like "oh, no boy is good enough for me", but that's not it. I never cared for saying "my perfect boy is this and this but it's not that", I've never had standards for boys. Perhaps I say sometimes "oh, he's my dream boy, what a sense of humor" or something, but don't we all?
The day I met 1, I thought he was the one. I couldn't sleep, thinking of a future together. The next day Cel told me 1 had said I was cute and I thought I'd found the person to spend my life with. But as time went on in the relationship (only two weeks after meeting him he asked me to be with him) I discovered he wasn't exactly what I expected. And when he tries to make out (either I'm repressing some traumatic childhood memory of being taken advantage of, or I just lack of hormones) I try to avoid it, because physical contact disgusts me to no end.
1 often says: "we're so different, how did we end up together?". I don't know, but I wish we hadn't.
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