Friday, 10/17/03 - 11:31 am.
Yesterday I tried to grow some balls to break up with my boyfriend, but as I said "sometimes I feel I can't handle this relationship anymore...", he got upset and eventually he started to cry.
The conversation could've well lasted one hour. He did most of the talking, though. Things I never wanted to tell you because I could lose you. He was so mad he started to smoke, and he never smokes when I'm around. He told me everything he loved in me, and everything in me that bothered him...so many things, even that I'm "God's biggest manifestation if His existence". For some reason, that statement bothered me a lot.
I told him about all of the good things I see in him. He hugged me, and...well, I had to stop hugging and face him: yeah, ok...but I wasn't telling you to break up, I only told you I needed some time. And he replied with why didn't you started out with that?!.
True, I never said "let's break up". First I wanted to give him reasons to leave me. I'd only said I couldn't handle the relationship very well at times, and that I needed time apart. At a certain point when he was crying, he asked me if I wanted to break up with him, and I couldn't find the strenght to say yes. So then he just kept on crying and saying he'd given his soul to me and such.
I tried to warn him that I hurt him everyday when he's with me, that it'd be better if I hurt him just once more -by breaking up-. But no, he says I don't hurt him.
I never cried. He was shedding tear after tear, and I couldn't shed just one. My eyes remained dried. But I was just paralyzed. Inside I felt frozen in fear, knowing what I was doing, knowing I was breaking him up.
I felt horrible. I felt evil. I felt heartless. Somehow I was strongly wishing he thought I was all those ugly things so he'd leave me.
Is it me or the girl is always the evil one? I can't handle that, I never wanted to do any harm to anybody. I can only imagine what will happen the inmediate weekend after I do break up with him...drinking beer and smoking with all of his friends, telling him what a worthless piece of crap I am and...you know, things your friend tell you when you're going through a break-up.
I'm evil, right? Girls are always evil. Girls suck and nobody knows what they want. They're bitches because they have uterus.
I hate myself. I don't want to be a girl. No, I don't want to be a boy, either. I just...I don't want to be stereotyped, I want to be alone and not have anyone to compare genitals and psyche with.
I feel tired since yesterday morning, and when I woke up this morning I was equally tired. I'm not sleepy, I just feel physically tired. I have so many assignments and I don't understand why I work and work three hours a day and the amount of work only increases. And this heavy emotional weight inside has only made it worse. I want to be in bed and that's all.
I want to cry and give up on everything.
I tend to think I am not entirely heartless, because it still hurts me to think I am heartless.
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