Wednesday, 10/22/03 - 2:00 pm.
I'm in a good mood, no big surprise. It feels like christmas already. It was great yesterday, studying with Victor, Irene, Victoria and Angie (Ern has gotten away from us, reasons unknown) on the grass, before the midterm, watching the sunset. We went on tangents about christmas and how we should celebrate together. Lovely times, I tell you.
I woke up this morning at 7 o'clock, and I had a long morning. Not "long" as boring, I just had more time to do...stuff. Yay, productivity. As usual, I was in a good mood, because this weather (clear sky, sunny and very windy) makes me smile.
However, this is also the time...well, D's birthday is coming up. And around this time last year I got worse when he walked away from me. What I'm trying to say is that I'm having..."flashbacks", to be overly dramatic. Perhaps it's nostalgia or some similar crap.
I dreamed of him. And in the morning I ran to Freud and just fed him, because I wasn't really expecting a fish to tell me that the dream was a reflex of my deepest wishes. And then while I was watching Friends (not that you care, but on wednesdays channel WBla airs TWO episodes) I, out of nowhere, remembered the moment when he kissed my forehead. Well, the two moments. It was...I remember it was the first week of november, during our week of final exams. The day when I was sitting next to Patch (aww, I miss picking on him), talking to him, and then D approached, held my head in his hands and kissed my forehead.
And a couple of days later, I was sitting on a bench and he came up and wrapped his arms around me, asked me how I'd like his haircut, and then kissed my forehead and walked away. I particulary remember that moment with a lot of pain, because that was the last time we...he and I were some kind if "us".
Has it been a year? I know it's all in this diary, and sometimes I read some entries, but I'd hate to look back entry upon entry. A year since what? Since I met him? I met him in 8th grade. Since we started to get along? I don't remember that clearly (on and off all the way through high school). Since we began our little games? That was somewhere around june, I guess. Since he started to make me feel worthless? that was in september. Since I lost him? He never was mine, to begin with. Since I started to struggle to get over him? that was this year, when I gave up. All I can say is that around this time of the year I was in pain, because all I knew is that he didn't want to have anything to do with me. That's all. I wasn't counting days, I wasn't thinking clearly. I felt unwanted and hated (and that it was my fault, too), and that was all.
Ok, ok, that's all I'll say about it (him), before I go on and on and break down. Dork, a year later and I still cry about it.
Well, if you take away the D. related thoughts I have really nothing to talk about today. Twice a dork.
No, wait! My guitar instructor burned me a CD. The bad thing is that I don't like 15 out of 17 songs, and only after he'd given it to me I thought of many songs he could've included (he'd asked me if I wanted something specific). *sigh* The good thing, though, is that it has Blind Melon's no rain and George Harrison's got my mind set on you. Burn me, I've been focused on getting beatle stuff, not former-beatle stuff, so I didn't know that song either. I love it, though. I love it, and it's the perfect song to go with this beautiful time of the year (putting aside the D nostalgia and stuff).