It's my fault for not reading minds.
Thursday, 10/23/03 - 12:46 pm.

Today's Alan (my brother)'s ex-girlfriend's birthday. I called her and she said she was happy-sad. Happy because everybody she loved was around her, but sad because my brother did not write to her (as you may recall, he's in Houston). I wanted to tell her I knew what she was going through.

Just last night I was thinking about that. My 18th birthday was probably the happiest day of my life, but I didn't hear from D. I wasn't hoping for anything very thoughtful from him (say, like visiting me), a 1kb e-mail with "happy birthday", times new roman size 10, as the only message would have been more than enough.

Anyhow, I have enough share of drama in the present, so I really don't want to remember past dramas. 1 and I are having problems, because of me. I'm the problem in the relationship, hi. My happiness is gone (it's a statement, not a complain. I have other feelings I can grab ahold of).

He's being very rude to me. Not that he insults me or anything, is just that he judges me in a very mean way. If there's one thing I can assure I never have and never will do to him is judge him. And also, yesterday he demanded I "should have known".

What should I have known? That he was in a bad mood because of me. Ok, perhaps what's obvious to you might not be obvious for somebody else. I'm not self-centered, and although I am aware that I mean a lot to him, I tend to think he has a life other than fluttering around me. He'd been looking upset these last couple of days, I did notice that, of course, and I got a little concerned. I asked him do you have academical problems, or at home, or with your friends, are you nostalgic, does this season bring you bad memories, I asked him everything. And he said: "no, I'm fine, it'll pass".

It's my fault, oh, blind stupid little girl, for I can't read minds. And I told him that. You should've seen the signs, he replied. WHAT SIGNS, WHAT FUCKIN' SIGNS? He looked upset (obviouly was), AND? That was all! I asked him, he said it'd pass. It seemed he didn't want to talk about it, I wasn't going to force him! Ok, so I did not ask him "are you like this because of me?" because he always goes on and on about how happy I make him.

Then, afterwards, he protests that I seem to have no time for "us" (which is true, I admit it). And he says I don't think you've learned from your past relationships. AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE TO SAY THAT? He doesn't even know about the guy, or D. And they were very different from him. The guy only wanted sex and D only God knows what he wanted (IF he wanted anything at all). What I learned from the both of them cannot be applied to my relationship with 1, because he's the opposite to them. He's eager to commitment, to begin with.

I came home and I cried. I couldn't even defend myself. I just listened silently to what 1 had to say. That I don't have time for him, that I'm only affectionate to him when he's feeling down, that he's scared of being alone but that I make him very happy, and I'm the only one who's been capable of pulling him out of the horrid feeling of solitude.

I believe him, and I am also aware that I'm not a good girlfriend, no matter what he says. He insists I haven't hurt him at all, but I have. He doesn't complain, but then he says I "should've recognized the signs"? Give me a fuckin' break, say I have hurt you, because I have, stop lying to yourself! And that thing of being alone? He's scared of loneliness? My life has been loneliness for the most part, and I'm used to it. I have nothing to offer him, then.

I cried a lot at night, and I was dying to talk to someone. I did feel alone myself, but because I was thinking of my replies to everything he said. I tend to feel alone when I'm keeping things I shouldn't keep for myself. D was online, and I was going to say hi, but what good would have it made?

So I'm a little hurt myself. I know I shouldn't complain, because I have hurt him. I just hate his lectures on EVERYTHING, he puts me in a worse mood than I already am (the good moods I've been talking about happen in the morning and it gradually goes away, by lunch I'm a bitch). I don't mind him telling me my flaws (and like I told him, I'll say "I'll change" when I know I will for sure), it's just that then he starts judging and lecturing and judging on things he doesn't know really know about...it just upsets me. I know I sometimes don't live up to his expectations because I'm a bad person, but saying "oh, you don't see the signs" it's asking too much. The fuckin' signs were in his fuckin' head!

Can't he just fuckin' break up with me, already? He'd do us both a favor.

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