Tuesday, 11/04/03 - 12:09 pm.
Well, it's D's birthday today. I looked forward to this day for an entire year, since his birthday last year. Not in such an obssessive way, but the thoughts would pop in here and there. Always the dilemma..."should I even try to get in touch in him, after being ignored by him (ignoring my birthday presents to him, and my own birthday)?"
Things are nothing like a year ago, and so...all I sent him was an e-mail that said:
A very merry unbirthday to you.
I know, it makes no sense. But not everybody tells you "merry unbirthday" on your birthday, right? I also attached a picture of the mad hatter. I bet he doesn't even know who the mad hatter is.
He came from behind and grabbed my head. I was going to give him a big birthday hug but when I turned around and he moved aside, he hit his knee with the bench, so it was more like I helped him keep the balance. - 11/04, 2002. Yes, always fucked up situations (and I'm missing a coma in that paragraph *chokes*)...that, incidentally, seem funnier now that a year has passed.
Why try to make an effort (I'll omit the question mark, as it's more a statement than a question). Last year I made a lot of little presents for him, and he didn't even mention it (well, 6 months later he did say: "I listened to the CD today"). I think he tried to get rid of me all along, when he saw himself cornered by me (and I didn't even make a move!) and was playing Mr. Nice Bastard just to make me think otherwise.
Dwelling on these things is just useless, isn't it? So it hurts me still, big deal. He was only slightly attracted to me, but his heart always belonged to somebody else (I can't believe I didn't even think about it back in the day) and I was only some kind of a replaceable replacement...so as soon as he got tired of me, he decided to discard me and run away. Can you blame him, anyway? Sometimes people have no choice other than getting rid of you and run away, and that's that.
I'm not too sure why it still hurts...other than the fact that I keep bringing it up. Sometimes it's unconsciously. One thing (an image, a word, a song, a smell...) leads to another. And I also refuse to forget, because if I forget the bad times, I also forget the good times. They both are the same. And I don't think I'll feel like I did then (in love?), ever again, so I only have the memories. I remember being in love with him, and then the present fuses with the past, and I say "oh, I'm still in love with him". I think not.
Yesterday I was in the Gessel chamber, watching my teammates perform the psychology experiment (we take turns every session, it was my session off). It's like watching a huge TV screen. It was a thrill for me the first time, because it's just like in the movies...people in a room with a huge mirror, and you're on the other side of the mirror. They can't see you, but you can see them, and all the stupid things they do or say. It's still fun sometimes, but it gets old when experiments are too long.
So anyway, I was watching the experiment, bored out of my skull (individual number 8, 7 minutes and 2 seconds), and my mind started to drift. I started to think of D and when I came to realize, I was actually asking -praying- to God to please, please, please, let me see him.
When the experiment finished (thank God!) Victor and I went to the cafeteria, and D was there, with Norm and Rod. Quick gretting (I noticed he needs a haircut), what are you doing, ok-bye. And then I remembered I'd been praying for God to let me see him, and I almost cracked up. What a funny man He is. Seeing him wasn't pretty (as he seemed distracted and wanting to get out of "here", as usual), but divine manifestations always make me laugh.
*Simeon raises hands* I know! Why am I still talking about him?
Ok, here's a tangent...< tangent >Yesterday I was in History of Psychology, still bored out of my skull (mondays are like that), looking out the window, staring at the nearby building, and then I felt a fingertip pressing my sneaker (baby blue shoes, relatives of Converse All Stars, someone once said), pushing it, making my foot swing softly.
I turn around and it's...WrongGuy (quote: "WrongGuy said yesterday that Galileo Galilei was the one who got a revolutionary theory off a falling apple")!!! Actually, we don't call him WrongGuy anymore (but he still gets his facts wrong here and there), he's out of our frame of discussion now.
Ok, so I see him looking at my shoe, pushing it with his fingertip. I look at him and he explains, with his Luke Skywalker face (he does look like him, no matter what Ern says!) cracking a slight, sleepy smile: I'm bored.
To tell you the truth, he's kind of cute. He's a little self-centered at times, and don't take this as I'm developing a new crush, but he is kind of cute, really. When he said "I'm bored", I smiled, and I wished we could've talked, because I was bored too. But it's impossible to talk in that class. He's nice, even though he's wrong. < /tangent >
It's also Teresa Tyler's birthday (Steven Tyler's wife), and her twin sister Lisa's, too (duh). And my friend Mikey's mom, as well. Happy birthday!