More problems with the boyfriend (perhaps for the last time?).
Tuesday, 11/11/03 - 11:50 am.

The afternoon heat is unbereable to me, and it makes me look forward to going to Houston in about a month *gasp* Oh, yes, a month away from wearing a jacket everyday, and the smell of fast food, the huge branches of capitalism (yay, Katie Mills mall), the sight of obese people, people at the park wishing you a merry christmas...and, and...Lord, I need to make an entry for the things I like from Houston (basically the only thing I hate is that there seems to be nothing but highways and you can't go anywhere as a pedestrian...and the redneck cowboys and cruel kids and teenagers and the excessive food and consumerism of all kinds). At the top, of course, there's seeing my brothers, my sister-in-law and my nephew and niece. I can't hardly wait.

And that was the happy side of this entry, brought to you by the letter Frog and the number Freud.

Hi, I hurt my boyfriend. AGAIN. He says with tears in his eyes, why are you so cold?.. He's right, you know? I'm cold. It seems like he's finally had it with me. He'd do himself a favor if he broke up with me right away (even if it's our 5th month anniversary today). I don't mind being the dumped one...I'd actually hate to be the dumper on this specific ocassion.

He's just a little crazy, I'd be always happy if I were with you. You can only make things better, his friend 2 told me, as he gave me a pen that smells like mint. Under other circumstances (say, younger with a little less experience), my heart would have jumped, but now that I've met myself in a romantic relationship, I know he's wrong. 1 has always loved me more than anything in his life...and to tell the truth, it's not entirely reciprocal. I miss being independent around the university campus, to begin with.

He's so in love with me, I'm not so in love with him anymore (I hate myself for that, because the day I met him, I felt he was the one for me...hence why I called him 1 from the beggining). He must feel there's chemistry between us but I don't. The only thing we talk about sometimes (besides the "how's your day been?") it's Saint Seiya, but since he likes other kinds of anime, he goes on tangents and gets me lost. Sometimes I'd like to talk to him about what I learned in a certain class, but he's not interested in psychology at all, just like I'm not interested in complex number relations and advanced computer talking. He doesn't like Aerosmith or The Beatles, I don't like the music he listens to. And our friends...we have few common acquantainces, so we get each other lost when we start talking about people one of us knows. *Sigh* and so on.

I could use up all the energy I waste on bitching on something more productive, like trying to be the girlfriend I'm supposed to be, physical contact included...but I don't even want to try. I'm not saying he's trying to get me to bed, or trying to take advantage of me. Quite the contrary, he's very...respectful, like your mom would say. It's my problem, I just can't stand being kissed or being held. I want to push him...and sometimes I do, actually. Hurtful, aren't I?

I don't even care to explain how horrible I feel over what I'm doing to him. I'm ashamed of myself and I want to cry, but that won't solve anything, will it? In fact, it'll make me look like I'm playing the victim, "boo-hoo, I hurt you because I'm evil, I blame it on the system and on an unhappy childhood, it's not my fault, forgive me and get away from me". No...I am evil, but he's the victim. And perhaps it'd be better for him if he didn't forgive me.

I think it all comes down that I'm not physically or sexually attracted to him. Which, I suppose, means I only like him as a friend. That's the worst thing a person in love can be told, isn't it?

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