Saturday, 11/15/03 - 12:13 am.
I'm going to the UCA martyrs vigil tonight (that's something REALLY important). With my family. Am I a freak for doing stuff with my family? Carmen sure made me feel like a freak (well, she always knows how to put me down, anyway).
- Me: yes, of course I'm going.
- Her: oh, did your parents allow you to go? Who will you be hanging out with?
- Me: as a matter of fact, they're going, too. And my siblings too.
- Her: HAHA! WHAT?!?! I'd never do THAT!.
Oh, geez. Thanks.
She's going with her oh, so wonderful pastoral gang (that goes way back to high school). Well, I'm glad they have fun together. But first, I don't have a gang to hang out with, and second, I want to go with my family, for many reasons.
- Me: do you think I'm a freak for going with my family?
- Boyfriend: no, you're just attached to them.
I could listen to him saying in his mind "way too much". But maybe that's just me.
He'd also hinted that probably my parents wouldn't let me go to the vigil if I were going by myself (quote sarcastic Carmen: oh, did your parents allow you to go?). No, actually, I said, they'd encourage me...or not even so, perhaps I wouldn't even care to go. I'm interested in participating because I got the social awareness from them. If they didn't have that, I'd probably wouldn't have it either.
Jumping from topic to topic, 1 gets more and more unhappy everyday, because of me. I hate that, but honestly, I'd be lying if I told him "I'll try to change". I don't want a boyfriend anymore. I wish I'd never met him, because now there's no way out, whether I hurt him everyday or I hurt him by breaking up, the harm is done. I just hate it that he always says he's scared to be alone, and that it's something he tries to avoid, and gets all sad about that...in any case, he shouldn't put the responsability on feeling not-alone on somebody else. We are in the same situation of "I have it all", and I do feel lonely myself sometimes. But although I look for anyone to stop making me feel alone, usually that's not the solution. But that's a tangent.
I'm getting really mad, I should stop thinking about all this, it's not like I can fix it. What Carmen said made me feel really inferior and retarded. "Haha, you have a family". Now that's a sin and a sign of your stupidity. Well, I'm sorry your family doesn't quite get the seriousness and significance of war crimes and don't care for keeping alive the memory of the victims, or that they just don't share your intellectual interests. Mine does all that (and I thank them for it), so you might as well GET OVER IT.
As for 1, I'm sorry for putting him through all that pain. I'm reading when he's around (actually, that's not an excuse, because I'm reading even when he's not around), I never leave time for us (never skip class, leave the UCA as soon as class is over, spened recesses on discussing assignments with my mates), I don't want him to touch me.
The question "should we break up?" is already answered in my mind, but I'm scared of the harm I've done and I'll continue to do, whether I go or I stay. The harm I've done is not on purpose, of course, but that doesn't matter, does it? I hate being the center of someone's live. I never asked for it. Being a significant part, yes, but not the center.
I'm a pathetic girlfriend, but it's because I have come to discover I don't want to be a girlfriend. I have other interests in life. Even though I've fallen in love and I sometimes do wish for finding "someone", romantic life has never been a main goal of mine. When John Lennon said "all you need is love", I don't think he refered only to romance. I think it's safe to say that this family I have has given me all the love a human being needs. That's not something very common in society nowadays, I'm grateful for what I have. Leave me alone.
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