One can never win.
Friday, 12/19/03 - 9:32 am.

Last evening things finally got ugly in the house. I can't even tell why, but the kids started to get all angry. I kept hearing them yelling at Denise (their mom, my sister in law) or telling her "you're wrong, you're always wrong" and stuff. I got pissed off, but of course I said nothing, I remained silent and out of the way. I think Denise has finally learned to take it, all those anger bursts, easy. But it was horrible, and I even wanted to scream at the kids and smack them for being so intolerant, impatient, disrespectful and selfish. Because seriously, Denise didn't have a lot to do with their reasons to be angry. Or if she was, there wasn't a reason to get all aggressive.

Then everybody started taking it out on everybody (the kids got mad at each other, my brother Alan being hard on my nephew Javier). Like I said, I got really mad, and I almost started to cry. I could've run to the bathroom and lock myself up but I just kept doing whatever I was doing. Rebeca, since she wasn't mad at anyone else, came and showed me something, and I almost tell her "I don't give a flying FUCK about it". But I said nothing and gave her a "you're so stupid" look. I love the kids with all my heart, but honestly, they seem to be a little stupid sometimes, when it comes to empathy and patience.

Fortunately, things cooled off eventually. That's a good thing in this family, those rows don't last more than a couple of hours. Rebeca came out of her bedroom with tears in her eyes and said to her mom that she was sorry (although then she said "but it was because you.." so and so. One just can't never win).

By 7 pm, we were all calmly in the car, on our way to Rebeca's school, because she was singing in the choir. Maybe by now I've heard too many children choirs (as my nephew Renan, Rebeca's brother, has sung in quite a few) but it didn't impress me like it used to. In any case though, it was wonderful. Really beautiful.

When we came back home, Rebeca tried on all my earrings and picked a pair (in the shape of owls) to wear today. Well, two actually. But one is for christmas, the ones I'm wearing right now (blue feathers). I have no point to this, I just thought it was cool that someone would like to try on my stuff. I love wearing bracelets and rings and earrings.

Later in the night, Alan, Denise and I were discussing what to feed these three children. They eat practically nothing. "Oh, well, they like spaghetti" - "yes, but she doesn't like it with any toppings". "Vegetables?" - "well, they like this one" - "but God forbid they touch the rest of the food in her plate". And so on. We ended up worried because there's nothing they all like. Javier only likes a certain type of beans, Renan likes one or types of vegetables and Rebeca likes meat. I don't know what I'll do at lunch time, when the kids stay home with me (during the holiday break at school). I can already picture fights like last night, "I'm not eating this", frowns and mouthing in my face. I don't see a happy time coming. Like I said, one just can't never win with these kids.

I haven't seen my brothers (Alan and Renan) a lot since I'm here. They come all tired from the hospital and I don't see them at their best. Alan specially is a little moody at times and I feel...I don't know, disappointed or something. I understand they don't have a lot of time and they just want to rest. And I don't even know why I crave their attention, it's not like I have something to say.

Although nothing heavy, emotionally speaking, happened this morning, I felt like cutting. Since yesterday, actually, since everything got ugly in the evening. My razors aren't very sharp so they don't do a lot but leave a red gash. It hurts more doing it with a sharpless razor, though, seriously. I didn't do a lot, anyway. I'd like to say I feel better, but I'm really upset and hurt about their attitudes at times, and I'm certain they'll keeping on acting like that, which is why I'm not enoying a lot this moment in which everybody is happy with everybody.

Well, I have a lot of stuff to do today. I'm doing Javier's (other nephew) and my laundry. Then I have to vacuum and clean up the bathrooms. Christmas is coming and I am absolutely freaking out. I haven't bought anything. Not only so, no one in this house has, to give you an idea on how busy everybody is. At least Denise had a day off today, so she took the kids to school and there's also early dismissal today, at noon. I think my brother Renan is having two weeks off, but I'll doubt that'll mean we'll get to go out, he just spends his days off sleeping and feeling guilty about not taking me anywhere. I've heard there are plans to go to San Antonio next week, but I'd really love it if we didn't go. I love my family very much, but after all that's happened (and will continue to happen) I'm not in conditions to endure a road trip with them.

Lord, drama makes my entries longer.

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