Not up to the aesthetics standards.
Friday, 01/09/04 - 10:20 am.

My Yellow Submarine movie was delivered yesterday morning. It's a new version, so it has about 5-10 minutes of never-before-seen footage. Yeah, I'm happy about that. I'm as happy as Pepperland when The Beatles saved them from the Blue Meanies.

The sun has come out again, after two days of rain. It was raining a little when I had to go pick up my niece at school in the afternoon. On our way back, taking the church-paking-lot shorcut, we saw a group of teenagers.

I think they were smoking (that's an irrelevant detail, though). I got a little scared. I'm scared of strangers, you know? (the wuss) specially if they're my age. That's not the point, though. The point is I felt their eyes fixed on me, but it was very ugly. I didn't dare to look back. I felt very ugly. I always feel ugly, anyway, but this time it was...socially ugly. I mean, this time I had someone to compare myself with, it was not like being in a mirror.

You see, I love this place, I've already said it. I like being in the United States, it's a very different enviroment, a little nicer that my own, I admit. But the people are too beautiful for my weak self-esteem. Everywhere I look there's good-looking guys and pretty girls, with nice hair, big eyes, and basically their facial features are very neat. Mine are not. Sometimes I even want to cry, when I'm around them (not so often, but often enough). I feel very embarrased. It's like that movie, Gattaca (saw it on philosophy class, in high school), where everybody is genetically modified to meet the society standards. The teenagers I saw were all pretty...and then there was me.

Here's a thought, sometimes I hate myself and I want to remain unseen in a cave my whole life.

prev / next