Silent birthday under a bed.
Monday, 01/19/04 - 8:55 pm.

Dammit, you know what I forgot to mention yesterday? It was entry 909. Like the song. My baby says she's traveling on the one after 909. It's from The Beatles. AND it's a stupid comment, too.

The day's passed kind of quickly. I got a few birthday calls. Nothing fancy like last year, thank God. It's been pretty much a normal day, and that's ok.

Only Carmen has visited me today. Not trying to be mean, but it was annoying, as usual. She brought her boyfriend this time. I know him, because we were classmates in school, until he got thrown out in 8th grade. They both were always close friends, and, by coincidence or fate, they both chose medicine at the university (I remember both wanting to be doctors since they were kids). So they hooked up...about a year ago? I'm not sure. 10 or 11 months. I'd never seen them together (as a matter of fact, I had not seen him since 9th grade), but it was not hard to feel the chemistry. And it's not that corny tenderness that makes you feel grossly sticky all over, it's actually very fun. You can tell they were friends for a long time before going into something bigger. They're a perfect match.

I don't want love at first sight. I'd always hoped to fall in love with my best friend. But I don't have a best friend. Yeah, yeah, I have friends, bla, bla, bla. But nobody's THAT special for me. Someone SO special that you go and pick up a postcard in San Antonio for them, writing "wish you were here". I literally broke my head, trying to come up with the name of the person I felt that way for, but there wasn't anybody (so I didn't send postcards). But that's a tangent. I was saying I'd like to fall in love with a person that was, first and foremost, my best friend. That's never happened and never will. All of the guys I've been involved with were sudden "happenings" (less than two weeks of being close)...yes, even...D, was it? Boy, did this trip to Houston make me heal COMPLETELY. was annoying, her visit. Things got better eventually, because at least they started to glance at me while they were talking. Yes...they were actually talking to each other, about people they (but I don't) know. I didn't even have to fake a smile or nod, because they were not even looking at me. They did the talking mostly, and never asked "so how was your trip?" or "what about you?" (the boy asked me that once, "we all have had stupid accidents, what about you?", I'll give him credit). I think that's rude, but don't think I'm very upset about that. I'm glad I didn't have to open my mouth, I'd have just said: "fine...yeah, fine". I'm never into talking with Carmen. I just can't. You just know it's useless.

After coming back from Houston, I'm just adjusting to the routine. It's like I never went away. It's like a giant leap in time, and it's sad. I've been numb, for the most part. Not depressed, just a little unhappy. I have not cried, anyway. I try to focus on other stuff, like cleaning up my bedroom and such. It's impossible for me to even imagine that yesterday I was in Houston. It seems so far away...I just got a call from them (brothers, sister in law, nephew and niece from Houston). My nephew, is very hard to get him to say a word on the phone, only answers with a single chuckle or says "ok", and it gets was getting like that when he suddenly says: "aw, whydidyouleave?". It's hard. I almost start to cry. I feel so far away. And I am. And you know what's worse? He's right. Why in the fuckin' world did I have to leave?!

It's been weird today, it's like it's not my birthday. I feel a little invisible and forgotten...and I love it. It's exactly what I was hoping for, since my last birthday. I'm done with surprises, I have a feeling I am. That feels a little sad, but...well, I don't seem to mind. I quite don't. I feel invisible, or hidden under a rock, or forgotten under a bed. But I'm not in the mood to feel any other way.

I think I'll go see The Emperor's New Groove (Kronk is my hero, one of the best charachters ever!) or just listen to The Beatles' birthday or to Steven Tyler singing happy birthday (even if it's to Tom Hamilton). No, not because I'm pathetic and I have a need to be said "happy birthday" yet again. It's just that it comes from boys I'm madly in love with (in a healthy, platonic sort of way).

I think this computer is about to crash: it's slow, the sites don't load properly...if I stop updating, most likely the computer crashed (or I'm just having trouble with the takes me 20 minutes to download a single site, and it's always incomplete). Understandable, it's four years old (got it for my 15th birthday). It's time to start thinking of a new one, but I don't see the parental units giving it a lot of thought (money issues, I suppose). Goddamit.

And I also must start working on not being on the computer at night. My God, the TV is so loud! Every goddamn night, the TV goes on at 6:30, through dinnertime, and it goes off until midnight or so. Awful, I want to scream. Luckily, right now there's no one home but me and Frog (dear God, she's lost weight! I can't believe it, because Frog and fat were like sinonyms, but here she is, all fluffy and chubby -not fat- like a puppy. So very cute). Silence...there's just something about it that makes me crave it, even if I feel lonely.

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