December 5th.
Wednesday, Dec. 05, 2001 - 11:12 a.m..

December's like my whole life is been floating around that date, whether I want it or not.

I know what I said, that this concert is not a big deal, there will be others, blah, blah, blah...but nothing can make me feel better. I just can't get over it, I can't. I tried to convince myself that today is like any other day with Aerosmith on tour. They're playing where I can't go. But this time is different. I could have gone. I'm so close yet as far as I always am. It's not like I'll get on a bus, arrive to the venue, stare at the stage and die of happiness. Tickets? Venue? Money? Tickets?

I suppose there are two kinds of feelings. The weak ones, that can be ruled by your head and the strong ones, the ones that make you do stupid stuff, but you feel you're doing right. It was my weak feelings talking when I said that I was lucky that my concert hadn't even first place, will it ever start? this $30 million Sex Machine will stop someday. I should let the strong feelings take over and leave a note for my brother, take all of my money, get a map, and take off to Dallas. But is not that way. Me going to an Aerosmith concert seems to be out of the question.

There's this guy that posts often on the Aerosmith boards....he lives...not in this continent (not sure where exactly) but he came here to go to college and he's about to leave the country...but before, he's getting to see his fuckin' band, first time ever. He's spreading his excitement all over the internet, so to speak. Who wouldn't? Everybody is happy for him.

I didn't go to the hospital with my brother today, he has an appointment at the dentist's, so I told him I'd go some other day. Friday, I think. He's coming earlier. But not earlier enough to make it. And there's the kids, too, how could we leave them alone? But I think I won't mention a word. I don't want to hear anything from anybody, how sorry they are for me, that maybe it's meant to be, that they wish they could do something for me, that I'll have another chance, that I should have gone withouth caring about everything, that I'm missing nothing but a bunch of drug-addicts (which is NOT TRUE!) I leaving something off this list? I should make the Top Ten excuses about Aerosmith that everybody loves to tell you. I wish that at least Aerosmith would know how this little, worthless, "standard" fan is feeling. Kinda difficult, yeah. And anyway, I don't want to know them just to bitch about how much it costed me. There used to be a site to e-mail them, I know that at least Tom would have read it. And not because I'd expect them to feel guilty and come to my house and play just for me, no. I just think I'd feel better (no, I indeed would feel better) if they knew that I love them this much.

This is really heatbreaking. I tried to make a wall to avoid all this shit but it didn't work. I do feel bad. And despite everything, I've been trying to come up with an idea to go and see them. But there's nothing I can do. I don't know why I just can't convince myself that this is a show like every other Aerosmith has performed: not for me. Ok, I'm convinced of that, I think the real problem is that I can't convince myself otherwise. Um, no...I do know they're not playing for me. Fuck it, the problem is that I wanted to go, I would have gone, but I didn't because I couldn't. Simple. And the difference between this and the rest of their concerts is that I was closer to them, probably the closest I'll ever be. This time, I wouldn't have needed to enter a contest and wait to see if I got lucky....the essential difference between this and the rest of their concerts is that I had the opportunity, a true opportunity, to go. What the fuck stopped me?!

So......I'll just sit here, noddling, trying not to flood the house. In fact, I could flood the whole state with my dissappointment and sadness. But this day, december 5th, will end. In hours. It's just a day, with 24 hours, like any other. The hours are fading away already. When today is over, I'll get back to my life, I'll get back to the amusement that this extraordinary legend named Aerosmith causes me. Because to me is no more than a legend: I accept it, but I don't know if it's true. I'll never know if it's true what everobody says about them. But it is true. It is. They're a human rollercoaster, I'm just doomed to see it from outside the park, with no chance in hell to ride it. Ever.

prev / next