It hurts like a screwdriver through my heart...but that's not new.
Friday, 03/12/04 - 10:33 am.

Well, first the good parts: the professors of the classes I had for the first time yesterday are females. One is known to us (we call her The Gnome, Victor and I believe she comes to life when the sun goes down), and is...ok, kind of a drag sometimes.

The other professor is new (to us), and she's just WONDERFUL. She's great. And we'll have a journal for our class, Theories of Personality, with an entry, for every class, about us and what we learned that day. She's so motivating, telling us we'll finish her course knowing all the psychology slang. Oh, yeah, let's call that professor Ms. Brittish. When she walked in, Angie and I thought she was from Spain...and then I said "I bet she's brittish and drinks tea at 4". And Angie said: "she's DrunkGuy's cousin, look at the nose". And later on, Ms. Brittish said she'd gotten her master degree in England. See, it's Ms. Brittish. Oh, I knew it all along.

The bad parts: the rest of my life at the moment.

Maybe if you go the roots, you'd find it a little stupid. Like I mentioned a few days ago, this computer is infected. So it slows down and/or freezes constantly, pop-ups come out of nowhere...and besides, it seems we have this bad luck of purchasing printers that never work as you see on the commercials.

So more properly, everything began (or better said, blew up...I've had the feeling I have begun for quite a long time now) last night. I was trying to print a few chapters of an online psychology book, so I wouldn't have to buy the photocopies. But, big surprise, the printer wasn't responding. And I, who seem to be losing control more often now -thanks to this stupid computer that's crumbling-, got very mad.

And my dad comes and starts lecturing me: you are so impatient, you get mad at the slightlest thing, you are so ungrateful. I tried not to pay attention -I did, anyway-, and calmly walked to my room without saying a word, because I didn't want to get him any madder.

But as soon as I closed the door, I lost it. Boy, I just lost it, and I grabbed the x-acto knife that I swore it was not sharp, and I sliced up my wrist four times. The left wrist, the one that has the visible vain. But blood started flowing out like it'd never had. I placed my wrist on a page of my journal (I wrote on it everytime I feel like this), to stain the paper with blood. Just to leave something tangible.

And then I wrote and wrote, for example, why can't I express myself when I'm angry?. I felt so repressed. I wasn't ungrateful, I have always known how blessed I am for having all the things I have...I was just mad, and in this house, God forbid I get mad. I can't. If I get mad it means I'm ungrateful, and I have no patience. Couldn't it be that I have had too much patience already?...I mean, I've been so patient that I always swallow the bad things, I keep them to myself, never said anything: "Veronica you hurt me in 8th grade", "brother, you hurt me that day when you embarrased me on our way to the beach", "TheGuy, you made me feel like a worthless sex toy", "D, you hurt me when you didn't say a word", "neighborgirl, you abused me everyday of our relationship", "daddy, you hurt me every time you assume things about me".

I was wearing mascara, and it was the first time I cried with make-up on. And I finished the entry with between the blood and smeared make-up I look more grotesque than usual. And I did. I never thought I'd look like those images of crying girls with smeared mascara that depressed teenagers use in their diary layouts.

I cried so much. I haven't cried so hard in a long, long time. And I wanted to listen to music, but all songs were too happy for me. But finally I found a tape with watching the wheels on it, which has becomes, from day one, my favorite John Lennon song (I haven't heard all of them, but out of the quite a few I have heard, this one is the best). I've given every line a very personal meaning, but for the most part, I try to just listen to the melody.

I came out of my bedroom after cleaning up my face and drying the blood and putting on a wristband. The enviroment wasn't hostile, because after all, I didn't do anything to my dad. It's a good thing I still have the ability to keep myself from yelling and answering. Because answering is not allowed either, when a grown-up is scolding you, is it?

I tried to print again this morning, and the printings were crap. I didn't lose it this time, because I feel too out of energy to do anything else than the strictly necessary. I did hope my dad noticed, but he only came around and told me one e-mail of his had finally been sent. JESUS CHRIST, WHAT DO I CARE?! (he's like that, though, only caring about HIS stuff on the computer...he asks you why something goes wrong on the computer, and when you begin to explain him, he starts talking of something else about whatever he was doing, cutting you off, changing subject...and you feel stupid).

That upset me a lot...I'd just like to tell him dad, we need a new computer, FAST, but I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat, or like I don't know the value of things. I know a computer is something not everyone can afford, and something this family can afford but not inmediately. But since I do know the value of things, I know this is going to crash one of these days. Everybody is going to lose important documents (dad is writing his third book, mom is writing a book on the history of salvadorian psychology...) and we'll cry, and they'll blame me for not doing anything to fix it before. They don't understand that the damage caused by the worm is beyond repair now.

I woke up unhappy, and I thought I'd lock myself up today, until it's time to go to the UCA. I feel tired and my eyes hurt (so does my wrist, but strangely, aside from music, it's the only thing in which I find comfort right now). I've been trying to eat less, hoping I'll vanish one of these days. I don't have the heart to torture my body like that. Starving and throwing-up are not appealing to me. But I'll certainly try to eat less.

Still crying about last night (feeling with no rights to express my feelings in this house without being misjudged), I was in the bathroom ready to take a shower, when my dad yells at me from the outside world, obviously mad. He screams that Frog, my dog, has scratched the doors of the car he's about to trade...I close my eyes and I think shit, and I make a sound to let him know I heard, because I feel so affected by that I'm speechless. And my dad replies: THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER, I NEED THAT CAR IN GOOD CONDITIONS!!!! and I heard him walk away and leave the house (I mean, he was leaving anyway).

I held my head in my hands, feeling it heavy, and I started to cry again, whispering: daddy, I wasn't laughing....

If I stop updating this thing, I'm probably in my bedroom. Or hopefully, we are getting the new computer (I'll talk to my brother today...he'll help us pay for it, and he's my last hope to convince my dad...getting honestly mad did not work).

I was afraid this would happen if I decided to cry...I couldn't stop. Now I can't stop. One thought leads to another, and suddenly the useless printer that started it all is the last thing on my mind. That's why I came earlier to type this entry, because my parents aren't home, and I knew I'd break down in front of the monitor.

Suddenly, I feel like I can't keep up with anything. I don't have the energy to do anything, and my eyes keep closing at their own will, while my eyes have not been dry since last night (maybe while I was sleeping, but I wasn't aware). Everything is so big for me to put it in words, I feel so insignificant, and maybe I am an ungrateful whore. I feel grotesque, and I certainly wish today was the day that I died.

***

Watching The Wheels
(John Lennon)

People say I'm crazy, doing what I'm doing
Well, they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I'm OK they look at me kind of strange
Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game

People say I'm lazy, dreaming my life away
Well, they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me
When I tell that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall
Don't you miss the big time, boy, you're no longer on the ball?

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go

People ask me questions, lost in confusion
Well, I tell them there's no problem
Only solutions
Well, they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind
I tell them there's no hurry
I'm just sitting here doing time

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go.

I just had to let it go...

prev / next