I'm ok, though.
Tuesday, 03/16/04 - 12:11 pm.

Yesterday, through my window, I saw a humming bird standing (sitting?...heck, it wasn't flying, that's the point) on a branch. I'd never seen that. He had beautiful huge eyes, and was so small...I wanted to reach out and grab him...not to put him in a cage, of course, I just wanted to touch him. But I only asked him how he was doing and he said "good".

Most of the day I spent it trying to avoid all kind of motion. I was tired. So tired I could've cried at the very first movement of my muscles, but my eyes would've never moved to expel the tears. There wasn't a reason to be tired, but I was tired anyway.

Physically and mentally tired. It seemed that one was the consequence of the other, but I didn't get which one was the cause and which one the consequence.

Just lately I've been with no will for motion whatsoever. I hope people will not ask me questions, so I won't have to open my mouth. I wonder how many people, besides me, appreciate the stillness of their vocal cords. I feel this utter need of not saying a word...and the mornings are hard. I can't get out of bed...and yet my deadline is 8 o'clock. I must not be in bed past 8. I guess I do have some will left...I suppose it's my body against my mind. My body is trying to reach out Thanatos and my mind is hanging onto Eros.

I saw three people yesterday. I mean, I see a lot of people everyday, it's just that these three were a source of indifference, tiredness, and annoyance.

First I saw 2 (1's friend). I've always had the slight suspicion that he likes me, because he acts just like 1 did. He ran to me and told me he had a present for me: do you know for how long I've been keeping it?. "Since yesterday?", I asked. Since your birthday! Since january!.

"Oh, Jesus", I thought. I wasn't in the nicest moods and I thanked him with no emotion. Because, as a matter of fact, I had no emotion. I thought that maybe I should ask him when his birthday was, but my mind, who seems to be becoming sharper at my expense, made a very logical explanation:
I never told him, and never cared for him to know when my birthday was. He bothered to find out and got me a present. If I got him a present for his birthday, that'd be very hypocritical of me, because until then, I'd never cared for his birthday. And I still don't. If he wants to give me a present, good for him. I owe him nothing. We are just circumstantial acquaintances.

Later on, I saw 1. We always ignore each other. He walked by and I kind of saw him...he was smoking, blowing smoke very arrogantly (it was kind of disgusting, though; his attitude made him look so full of shit). It seemed we'd never met. And I loved that. I enjoyed to know that there was this someone in particular that, at least apparently, has deleted all sign that I ever existed. It's good, because I've done the same with his memory.

And then I saw D, who was also walking by. And the Astrid girl was with him again. I don't remember what I thought about him, but I do remember picturing them both as boyfriend and girlfriend. I smiled, and I felt sorry for them. And I felt worthless, too.

I thought that classes could be my scape of these intangible, shapeless, meaningless conflicts I have...all the times I feel bad, I hope class will make me focus on something else, something scientific, something that feeds my intellect. But yesterday I was lost. I could concentrate, but I didn't understand a lot, and my notes, now that I look at them, are a mess.

I have nothing to look forward to. I live by inertia and my behavior is ruled by the struggle between extinction and survival...and my mind and body exchange roles...when my mind gets all self-destructive, my body is there to heal, or to react, to move my left arm away from the right hand that's holding the razor blade, or to slow down the speed of my head when my neck thrusts it against the wall.

And the weather doesn't help. I could crawl all day on the tile floor. Heat brings me down, in more than one way.

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