Freud knows what's going on.
Wednesday, 03/17/04 - 12:11 pm.

I'm going to be brief, as much as I can, because I am sick of this computer and John Lennon: in his life is coming on in about 45 minutes (yeah, sometimes it takes me a lot of time to write an entry...I edit a lot, you know?).

For the first time in about 6 months, I could talk about myself, with someone other than myself. Cel and I finally got to have a conversation, and since she's the only one who knows about my quasifixation with D (oh, Dear God, I can't believe I just said that), I poured it all out.

I told her that I thought he was dating that A. girl. And she said: well, I think he's dating somebody else...I mean, I THINK...it's just a hunch...don't take it too serious...like I said, I just THINK so.... Was she padding the walls to avoid my head crashing against them?

I just think he's with MC (MC, to protect identity). This MC is from school, too. Yeah, I remember her. I never quite liked her, but she wasn't bad. She's the kind of girl that's not what you'd say beautiful, but all guys think she's hot. Let's see...she reminds me of Paris Hilton. And I hate her for she is mortally dumb and shallow. Ok, MC is not THAT bad...D. and her were always very friendly.

I see...I'm such a low quality soul, I said. She tried to make me feel better...I wasn't so destroyed, really, though. I mean, it's been two years, and you kind of move on, and above all, understand the other person will move on as well. Perhaps much faster than you.

Don't take this like I have a heart of stone...but I think he's already forgotten whatever happened between him and you, Cel said later. It's funny, but I'd never thought that. I'm so affected by what happened between the both of us that I can't understand nor accept that he doesn't feel it. I'm becoming awfully...selfish, self-centered, or something like that.

I told her that perhaps I just wanted him to notice me. That sometimes I felt bad and I wished he could witness that. That sometimes I know I am killing myself one of these days (I mean, *cough*decades...) and I want him to know. She said she understood perfectly, that it wasn't out of this world what I was feeling. When you go through a break-up, you still want the other person to care about you.

That calmed me a little...but it also made me feel un-unique. So everybody is going to kill themselves? Everybody is crying for help? I need some attention here, just for me...

And when I thought that, "I need attention", I hated myself. Jesus Christ, I have no reason to feel bad! I don't deserve any attention. It's what I've always said here: I have my wonderful family, a few great friends (the four at the UCA, Cel, Mikey and Head, to be specific) and...basically, a life to die for. Or to live for. Your nephew, he alone is a reason to live!, Cel said. I know...he's a wonderful kid. He's turning 8 next month.

But then, after all those things that anybody could mistake as subtle "don't think of killing yourself", Cel says: it wouldn't surprise me if you killed yourself...sometimes family and friends are not enough. Thank you, I said. She understands me so well, you have no idea how good she makes you feel, and I thank her so much for that.

But I still think I shouldn't be thinking of these things. You know, I will kill myself at 27 and such. It's not fair, I realize that. But is there anybody (aside from Cel) who could understand that if I kill myself is not because I am running away from life? My life is wonderful. Maybe I just have a slightly above-average death wish.

How appropiate to be reading Freud right now. I'm reading about the death wish, how everybody wants, subconsciounsly, to die. You just want the Nirvana, the non-existence. To end the conflict.

(BUT I DON'T HAVE CONFLICTS, GODDAMN IT!!!!)

Freud said that life moves you to satisfy all your needs. And you do it just to have no more needs, to be still, to be at peace. So, according to Freud, the goal of life is to die.

I'm sure I was going to say something else, but I have to finish before the computer freezes and I lose this entry. I hit my head when this thing is not working, and I just poked my eye really bad (I hit the eyeball, I mean). But I am aware of what I do. I'm not blocking anything, Freud. It's the only way of expressing my anger without being told I'm ungrateful and impatient. Silently, unnoticed.

- CEL: Yes, dear, there's a new boy in my life. He's majoring in psychology, he's fascinated by Freud...AND he likes The Beatles!
- ME: don't be silly, it's me you're talking about. Freud'd say you have a fixation with me.

prev / next