Saturday, 04/17/04 - 8:34 pm.
I can't even begin to explain how I feel today...or rather, all the things I'm feeling. I suppose I should start with the highlight of the day. Well, there were two, I'll begin with the, uh, least surprising.
I got a call from Carmen this afternoon, asking if she could come over one of these days. I wasn't in the mood to see anybody (big surprise), but when she said there was something she wanted to talk about with me, I said sure, come on over.
She comes over, at a time of the day when I was alone at home. Quick chit-chat about her life (she asked me how I was doing, I said fine) and then "well, to what I came to tell you..."
Ok, she broke up with her boyfriend or she lost her virginity, I thought.
"I'm gay".
She didn't seem surprised by the fact that I wasn't surprised at all by her confession. But to be honest, I always suspected she was gay (I didn't tell her, because I'm not much a talker and she's not much of a listener, and because whatever I say goes on her list of "yeah, that's what everybody's told me")). In 8th grade, when all that happened, I thought Carmen and Veronica were pushing me aside because they were gay and wanted to have animal sex with each other. Alright, not that hardcore, but I sensed they had a sexual thing going on. Me, I always felt like a sexless bacteria *cough*stilldo*cough*.
She said she'd discovered that about a year ago, and she was sorry for not telling me before, but just didn't know how to tell me or how I'd react ("you know, how do you tell your girl friends that you're a lesbian?").
Sometimes I don't believe her stories a 100%. The stories of how she discovered that a year ago she was gay and how after that, girls literally rained on her are kind of...hard to believe. It's like she's describing you a movie, really. Too exaggerated to be real. Hey, ho, whatever.
Alright, I listened to her wonderful stories for about an hour and a half. No, really, they were wonderful. Maybe it was because now I knew she was gay and I liked her more like that, or whatever else, but she was being very cute and funny at story-telling. Very entertaining.
- Carmen: *sigh*, ok, that's my story...so what do you feel about all this?
- Me: I don't feel any different.
It's not like I'm the gay one, lady.
I'm happy for her, because she seems a lot freer now. She seems to be at a very happy stage of her life. Well, not entirely, because she still wants to study medicine and not psychology (she changed career because of health problems, remember?) and knows she could've won a very important scholarship to Cuba. But in spite of the small rotten details, she seems quite happy.
I don't know if all the stories she told about what happened to her, regarding her sexuality, during these past 6 months are completely true, but I quite enjoyed them. I almost stood up and clapped.
And hell, even I considered my own sexuality while she was talking. Ok, should jump on her and be all over her?. As a matter of fact, I like girls. I like to check out girls, however dumb some of them are. I don't do that with boys...with boys I make up my mind quickly: "my type", "not my type". With girls I dwell longer "nice rack...I like her legs...". BUT I want a boy. I want a John Lennon. I want a Steven Tyler. I like girls, they're much more appealing to me than boys when it comes to "watch", when it comes to body. But...no, thanks. I'm good.
Roberto is gay, too (you should look at him, he's the cutest...he could be the 6th fab-5). Maybe gay people have a way with words. Carmen was great at telling me about her quickies with girls, and Roberto is great at telling me about the episodes of Sex & The City and Buffy. Bless the hearts of the homosexuals. The more, the merrier, I tell you. And they can't breed. I wish everybody turned homosexual (I'm not even straight, anyway) and laboratories stopped making babies. Wouldn't it be cool if the human race disappeared?
Alright, so that's one of the things that happened today. My friend is gay and she's been making out with girls while she still has a boyfriend (who happens to be the 1% of her bisexuality). Yay for her, or something.
Before she arrived and gave me the news, I was having a bit of a trouble trying to cry. I wanted to cry, because I was feeling really, really sad. Do you know that feeling when you cry, that your heart seems to contract out of pain, like a cramp, and it aches a lot? Well, it was aching, but it wasn't contracted. It was like relaxed...and instead of crying, I was having trouble breathing. I was thinking of sad things to cry about but I still wouldn't cry.
Actually, I wanted to cry for a reason. Maybe it's a dumb reason, but what do I care?
I was watching John Lenonn videos on TV (a special on channel 95). And...well, I know I shouldn't get so sad over someone like John Lennon because I never met him and all that. But his videos made me cry. Maybe if you're a fan of The Beatles you understand this feeling a little better. You see him, and you see he how talented he is, how he can go from a silly story to a song like Imagine. How he strongly fought for peace and how amazingly in love he was with Yoko.
He makes me laugh, the silly lad. And he wasn't just words. He was a man of actions, too, you can see him walking down the street in New York, protesting. So I got sad because, you know, he's sort of...dead.
But what really got me emotional was seeing the video for war is over (if you want it). Aside from animal abuse/cruelty, I'd never seen such horrible images. Alright, yes, I've seen war in many ways, but that was the ultimate collage. And you just have to wonder how psychologically affected are the people who support war. How they must lack of something so basic as sensibility and sympathy, people who place something so abstract as "freedom" in front of something so concrete as a human life. War is terrorism, Jesus, Christ, Lord.
It's a horrible video, I tell you. And I didn't cry because there were other people in the room, and I'm not much of a social weeper. But my God, it was so brutal, the video just tears you apart. That's why I wanted to cry, but when I was finally alone, I just couldn't. That's when I felt my heart relaxed, and I forced myself to cry, I wanted to. I think I have tears of gel, silly self. I'm still feeling down, but this is no time to cry, is it?
I remain sad still. Alright, I'm sad by nature, but I'm particulary sad over war, over human beings, over animals (with all that shit about bullfighting, whale hunting, dog slaughter in Korea, your neighbor's dog who gets kicked everyday by his owner...).
I'm going to get me a white t-shirt and write "give peace a chance" on the front and "war is over (if you want it)" on the back. Say, that's a beggining. Maybe one day I'll join Greenpeace. Maybe one day I'll do something big. It's not like I'm going to sit and cry all day, all my life. You can do a lot of things while you're crying, so I might as well do something useful.