Friday, Jul. 03, 2020 - 10:34 pm.
I feel I'm increasingly keeping my distance from the world. I mean, I just don't have anything meaningful to say, and it's not like I've had any influence to begin with. Even if I had a hot take that's on point, nobody listens. I got tired of writing that column on the online newspaper, I'm too tired to care to keep up with all that's going, and whatever I write, it does not have any impact.
I presented on the mental health web seminar on Monday, it went well. Over 100 people attended and it seemed my research caught their interest, I got great questions at the end of my presentation. I was happy to be part of that and thankful for having been invited.
Yet, of course, nothing changed after that. I don't think it made a meaningful impact in "the world" or in any square meter of it.
Life goes on inside my apartment. Work is going well, if not a bit slow because the routine is finally getting a bit tiresome, after four, nearly five months of being inside. I'm proud I've lasted this long without feeling this tired. I don't think it's the routine per se, though, it's not being inside. It's the lack of doing something with a purpose or making a contribution (besides work). See my first paragraph.
That's not to say that I haven't been enjoying myself. Having a girlfriend helps a lot, and it seems every week I unlock a new sex milestone with her or with Andrew, often with the two of them (separately).
I had a videocall with her this week for the first time, since Andrew had gone out with a friend for a bit. It didn't feel like it was the first time that I saw her and talked to her, it felt quite natural. Also, there's something really reassuring for your ego when someone sees you and their reaction is to take their top off. We fooled around a bit, enough for her to say that I knocked her up. It wasn't that extreme but again, I appreciate the reaction. I love making her happy.
She had a coronavirus scare and rushed to the hospital yesterday, but fortunately her test results came back today (Canadian health system, man) and they were negative. I promised her last night that I'd call her this morning to check on her, when we still didn't know about the results. I was really scared for her yesterday and I resolved I'd tell Andrew about her.
I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. This sucks because I don't want to be sneaky or keep it a secret. Also, I don't want him to be afraid because this doesn't change how I feel about him. My girlfriend knows I'm happily married. So it's been hard to tell him.
I managed to utter some words this morning:
- Hey, remember when you asked me if I'd been reading something to get better at sex and I told you I was talking to someone?
- Well, this... this friend may have coronavirus. I'm going to call her in a bit.
- Oh. Ok.
That was it. I was reminded he's not the "we need to talk" type, explanations are not needed with him. That's not to say I shouldn't tell him, he's most likely clueless as to how big my relationship with this "friend" is. But it's hard, and I really need to choose a few clear words.
Today at noon, he asked me how it went with my friend, and he was glad about the negative results. Progress?
Speaking of my girlfriend, she and I had some drama mid-week because she had the day off due to Canada Day and I didn't, as I don't live in Canada. I was upset and frustrated because she was calling me to turn me on when I had to work. She later apologized. Wait, this week we started talking on the phone, and a few days later we moved on to videocall. I'm just all over the place.
Today Andrew did a very sweet thing of buying cinnamon rolls for a few of his friends, from a new business in town, and then paid another friend who lost his job to take them to their houses. Andrew is such a cinnamon roll himself, too pure for this world. So I looked after him when he was done with that.
Happy news tonight: I made my first cocktail, a screwdriver. I tucked Andrew in, he's currently in bed with a pulled muscle. I made him dinner and the cocktail.
After that, I came to have a date with my girlfriend in my studio. We had fun sexting, but right when we finished she disappeared so I came to write here. She had gotten a call from a family member, another family member is ill. I think I got a bit sore that she dissapeared on me, but cognitively I always know that when that's the case, there's a reasonable explanation for that. Such is life.
And I'm still frustrated, per the first paragraph. Perhaps it's starting to hit me how improductive I've been over the past month and a half. Maybe I'm also starting to resent my girlfriend for taking up so much of my time and attention, but that's on me. I'm just being petty, if that's my complaint, that's all my fault. A part of me is sure that fucking my girlfriend (and my husband - separately) is a more productive use of my time rather than putting a lot of effort in written products that no one will give a fuck about.
Maybe I just miss writing my comics, even if nobody reads them. I do give a fuck about them.
I'm tired. I guess the lesson from what I'm saying in this entry is that I should start finding a new balance in my activities. Noted.