Saturday, Oct. 12, 2024 - 9:45 pm.
Andrew and I took Friday off from work (with proper permission). That alone felt like a relief. But we did so for a reason.
On Friday morning, I drove ourselves to the airport, parked our car there and too a flight to the capital to see Paul McCartney live(!). It was a fantastic show. Then we spent the night in a small but comfortable hotel room, and today at noon we took a flight back, and I drove us back home.
Although the trip was uneventful, it was an all-around adventure and we had a great time. I'd seen Paul McCartney my first year here, 2011, it was a bit of a dream come true. It wasn't even a dream because I loved The Beatles, but seeing any of the two remaining members live seemed out of reach to me.
And yet, I did it. I got some of my savings and on I went to the capital on my own. Andrew and I had been dating for a few months, and we weren't financially capable to go together. Also, instead of a flight, I endured a 12-hour bus ride to the capital.
I didn't think I'd see Paul McCartney again. And then, a few months ago, his concert here was announced. Andrew and I are in a far better place, financially speaking, so now the two of us could go. It was great sharing this experience with him. He did his homework and knew most of the songs. He already listens to some of the music I like, so he didn't have to start from scratch.
Friendly but painful reminder: we attended this concert because we lost our son. This was the first big event on our horizon after the adoption fell through, and Andrew did his best to get the best seats (truly difficult to do so with the prevailing ticket-purchasing system). Silly consolation, you might say. It is what it is. We lost a lifetime and did our best to go on with our lives.
I bring such sad reminder to an otherwise joyful recount because indeed the heartbreak remains. I think I might be a bit depressed, as I can't fully engage with the pleasure of, well, pleasant events and activities. I saw a lot of families with babies, toddlers and children in the airport, and I'd kind of fantasize about Andrew and I traveling with our kid (which I believe is far more difficult than it looks in my fantasies). It's like, it's supposed to be three of us, not two.
The above doesn't mean I'm unhappy, nor that I didn't jump and sing my ass of when Helter Skelter came on during the encore. I was In The Zone all throughout the concert and our trip, it was a much-needed mini-break for Andrew and me. All I mean is that I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I feel the need to say this and confront it, let it hurt. Let it be, eh? I become more and more horrified as the dust settles on the past months, in which I gave up my baby boy and I lost my beloved cat.
I'm taking a sign language course (I'm intermediate level now!) and for an assignment, we have to tell our plans for the future. That got me thinking, yeah, what are my plans for the future?
I couldn't think of any. After foregoing having a child, I feel that the future doesn't matter much and all I have is the present. I'm very much pretending I'm in The Good Place, hoping that I'll live long enough and comfortably enough so that when it's time to go, I'll go in peace and in my terms.
But there's gotta be stuff to look ahead. There is. Keep learning sign language. Go to an observatory, see space. Travel to see my friends and family, over and over. Go back to Sheffield. Travel with Andrew, by car, train, plane and maybe even boat, all across the country and abroad. Keep writing, publish more books, hopefully another novel. Keep working on my comic strip.
There's lots of things I still want to do. It's just that I had made peace with the fact that I wouldn't have the time, mind, energy nor resources to do most of those things in the near future, as I'd be raising a child. I was ready to give everything up for the latter task, and sometimes I think I had my mind so set on that, that I'm now finding it hard to get back on track.
But with a little help from Sir Paul McCartney, I'm indeed getting back on track. My heart hurts so much everyday still, but I'm grateful for all that I have. Like the chance to see a Beatle live! An artist so fiercely talented and delightful, and some who has gone through a few lifetimes in his own time and told those stories through music. To witness such a show, that's just a gift and a privilege.
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