Saturday, 07/24/04 - 11:01 pm.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOSER!!! The world is a happier place because you suck so much.
***
My day didn't have such a great start. I got my period early in the morning, seven days later than scheduled. And at first that wasn't so bad, I'm used to being late.
What kills me is the cramps, and the secondary symptoms: the pain in the thighs, the kidneys and the back, the sleepy-ness and the exaggerated thirst and dry mouth. I called Joseph in the morning, while the pain was getting started, and I had to hung up as it became more severe.
From then on, my day went downhill. I tried to distract my mind by watching Gundam Wing, a show Joseph never gets tired of reccomending to me. But eventually I had to fall asleep to escape from the awful pain. Rose, the housekeeper, said I should take a pill. I can't swallow pills, ok? So she was kind enough to crush it for me, and prepare it with milk.
I slept for about three hours, until 2 pm. The pain was gone, but I was beat up. The pain in my thighs and in my back feels like I've been beat up with a hammer. My mom gets more and more worried about this, and says I should go see a gynecologist. Joseph asked me if I'd prefer a male or a female gynecologist. I don't care, it's equally uncomfortable when it comes to having someone's head between your legs, I'd consider my space violated the same.
In the afternoon I grew sadder. I went on reading The sorrows of Young Werther, by Goethe (which I started yesterday). I'm almost done with it, and I'm amazed by the way the atmosphere of the story has changed drastically. Reading it's all I did, aside from watching one episode of 101 reasons why the 90's ruled (wooohhh, Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers!!!!!). I slowly could feel the need to remain still. Suddenly, I didn't want to move, and I wanted to cry.
I was feeling depressed. Another of those stupid episodes of depression, that's not even depression. It's something nameless that attacks me once in a while...or rather, it's always there, it's just that sometimes it's stronger than me. I cried a lot, not quite sure why. Maybe because of the book, maybe because I miss my brother Alan (I'd talked to him a while ago), maybe because lately, since I got this semester's average, I've been hearing a lot about the word "scholarship abroad", while I realize Joseph is not abroad. Or maybe I was hurt because I thought I'd go see Harry Potter tonight, but then my sister changed plans and she decided to take her son at noon, while I was in pain and asleep. That's what's happened to me today, but none of those reasons convince me.
Tonight was the weekly family reunion: my parents, my brother and his girlfriend, and my sister with her son (the other two kids, nephew and niece, are out of town for the weekend, with their other grandparents). Then my aunt and my cousin arrived, too, and we ordered pizza. To be honest, I wasn't in the mood to be in a crowd. I just wanted to leave the table and cry in my bedroom. They started to discuss what to do next weekend with the kids (their last weekend before they leave for Houston). They mentioned beach, mountains, swimming pools and all I wanted to do was to raise my hand and say I don't want to go anywhere, please let me stay home.
I left the table with the excuse I had to feed Frog (I'd already did). I went and I laid in the bunkbed that's in a bedroom next to the kitchen. I remained still and I cried a little, that's all I wanted to do. I pictured myself with my mom at a doctor's, the doctor telling my mom I had a chemical imbalance and hence I suffered from depression. Has your daughter shown any symptoms throughout these years?, the doctor would ask. No, my mom would reply.
I cried at the thought of nobody believing me. Nobody would ever take my feelings seriously, because they've never seen any proof. I've had episodes like this since I remember, they worsened since 8th grade and even more in senior high and my first year of university. But I've made sure nobody in my family notices. It wouldn't count as depression, though. I know, because, as I've read many times, the first sympton of depression is being sad for more than two weeks. I'm sad all the time (even when I'm happy), but sad to the point of avoiding motion happens once in a while, like today. I don't hate my life, really. It's not bad, and I have quite a few reasons to be alive. But sometimes, like today, this nameless thing is stronger than me, and it feels like cancer, consuming me.
My mom showed up to check on me. She kept believing I was still in pain because of my period, and I said neither yes or no, I just said I wanted to rest. In any case, my back, my thighs and my womb were in pain again. I just told her not to worry. Then my brother and her girlfriend showed up, she asked me what was wrong. I said I was feeling bad and I didn't want to move, maybe it's just laziness, I said. I wanted to tell the truth, "I feel horrible, I don't want to move, I just want to cry", but I would never do that.
My mom showed up again, to tell me she and my brother Alan had discussed my period's crisis; he said I should take painkillers whenever the period arrives, and also do a lot of exercise. And if that doesn't work, we'll get you to a doctor, to get X-rays. She scared me with the X-rays, I thought it was an exaggeration. I told her I'm fine, my crisis is normal. It just must be a chemical imbalance or something. I wanted her to realize what I meant, but luckily, she didn't.
I'm starting to rely a lot on that chemical imbalance excuse.
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