Sunday, 03/06/05 - 10:22 pm.
I've been needing to write for so long, but the computer has been occupied most of the day, by either my brother, downloading music, or my dad, writing his resign letter to his radio show.
I feel depressed. That's how I've been all day. I was mostly bored and sad, but then it got to a point in which I started to cry out of the blue, while watching my brother play on his PS2.
It began last night, I guess. I was still hyper about the vinyl record I got from Joe, and I was in the mood to talk to somebody. Angel was online, but said he was going out. Joe said he was coming online for a while, because he was going to go dancing (I never pictured him as a dancer, but I thought it was very cute). So I had no one to talk to.
Of course not. They're all out having fun. You are so pathetic, sitting at home on a saturday night.
I am so pathetic, eight days a week.
Yeah. I felt like going out with someone. I don't know, friends. I remembered Carmen and her gang, Norm et al...and all of a sudden, I got sore. I figured, well, I was friends with all of them in school, but I'm not part of the gang? What, I wasn't cool enough?. It's a stupid thought, but I couldn't help having it. I was just upset for not having anyone to go out with. Sure, Carmen would probably say "just call me, and we'll go out", but anyway, I don't fit in that group. That's the problem. I have "friends" to call, but they have their own group, which I'm not part of. I don't have a gang of my own.
That's just one reason. Maybe it's the strongest as to why I'm so depressed and near to cutting myself right now. The rest is just me, being a failure. It's amazing how sometimes I forget I'm worthless and talentless. A big bore, that's what I am. Be born in a overprotective household in the middle of a civil war, when children are being kidnapped. Not too long ago, I discovered that's where I, being a piece of boring, overrated garbage, come from. But it's no use blaming my family now, for never encouraging me to go out. I probably would have never, anyway. It's my stupid personality, rather than my upbringing. That wasn't so bad.
I tried to write another story today, for the literary contest. And for two hours I was happy with it. Then I stopped, and I noticed it screamed Alice In Wonderland. I just read that book yesterday, so it's no wonder. I ripped the eight pages off and threw them away. It sucked, anyway, except for the clown part. I loved the clown.
My dad kind of stepped on me in the evening. He's always assuming I'm mad at him. We were at the dinner table, and he called my name to tell me to do something, and I said "what?", because I was distracted watching TV. He started saying Jesus, you always have to be so touchy, bla, bla, bla. I shoud've yelled at him, stop assuming I'm always mad at you, but I kept quiet. It's always the quietest solution, but not the happiest one. What, what did I do now?. No use.
I did pretty well, holding back the tears and all the whole day. I tried to call Joseph, knowing he could cheer me up. But he picked up, and it sounded like he was asleep. Call you tomorrow?, I half-asked, hoping to get a "no, no, let's talk now". But he said thank you. I asked him if he was sick, but he said he was only very tired. I hung up. And that seriously screwed up my mood. That's when I started to cry (then it was the PS2 episode).
Now I haven't stopped. For some reason, I feel like talking to Joe about all this. It's probably my stupid self wanting some pity.