Sunday, 06/03/05 - 10:01 pm.
Today was one of those days that are going to be bad no matter what you do. Because you know, I could've chosen not to go see Joseph in the afternoon, and I wouldn't have found him in his bedroom with that girl...but had I done that, had I stayed home, I would've just sat around the house, regretting not going.
In the morning, I made the mistake of calling to Cel's house, to see if she was there. Going to her house was just an excuse to go to his house, anyway. But I was so scared to be caught in my lie that even I believed I was going to her house, so I called her. And I made the mistake of leaving a message. So I couldn't leave in the morning, saying I was going to Cel's house, because what if she called while I was out? My parents do recognize her voice.
So I waited. I called her again at about 2 pm, and this time nobody picked up. I decided to take the risk, I'll go to her house, knowing she isn't there, and then I'll go to Joseph's house (that's like 5 houses away). If she calls while I'm there, I'll just say she wasn't in her house, and I was, waiting for her. "She was calling from other place". But seriously, I drove straight to Joseph's house.
To be honest, I was hoping he wasn't there. But his dad, who got the door, said he wasn't sure. I don't know. Would you like to come in and look for him? I never see him. For a while I thought of just leaving and message and turning around, but I came in.
I knocked on his bedroom (slash apartment) door. He opened the door, with a gesture I can't really define. He asked me to come in, and walked me to his little studio. A girl was there, eating. He told me her name, I don't remember what it was. But she and I shared a name, the ever-present female name that complicates Joseph's existence over and over.
He wasn't cheating on me, I know that's the impression the first paragraph gives. She was there because she'd ran away from her house and had no place to go. I don't know what to do with her, he said.
In any case, three's company, right? So I said something -can't remember what- and left. I'm not sure if he was subtly shooing me or it was me with the rush to leave. But I only came in, was introduced to her and then Joseph walked me to the door, while telling me the story of the girl. When we got to the garage, he stopped.
Look, about what happened yesterday...let's leave it as it is, ok?. I told him that's what I'd come to his house for, to tell him I was leaving it alone. But I actually wanted to have a conversation, not just show up, meet a runaway and kiss him coldly.
I came home and started to cry. I'm not very sure why, I just felt hurt. But I assure you it has nothing to do with the girl. Or maybe it does, but it wasn't her fault. Or Joseph's fault. Much less my fault.
I've been trying to figure out why I'm so hurt. We'd agreed on putting yesterday's argument behind us. We're doing so well, he told me before I left. Well, I don't think so, because our argument yesterday wasn't over something new.
So, is it because he rudely logged off after saying "I give up"?
I don't plan on getting in touch with him. I don't want to talk to him. I'd decided to go because I'd told him I would, but I wasn't thrilled to see him. Up to this time of the night, I feel like crying. I haven't even studied a damned thing for tomorrow's final.
And it's driving me nuts feeling like this, I feel like I'm biting my tongue. I suppose I wanted to talk to him, but after seeing the girl I wanted to get out of there. Not because of her per se, it was just a mistake going there. He didn't seem too thrilled to see me, either.
Fuck all this. He hasn't called, he hasn't come online...part of me was wishing he would get in touch. But I'm not sure I want to hear from him.
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