Wednesday, 01/18/06 - 10:58 pm.
I feel rather depressed at the moment. I think it comes down to the fact that it's my nephew and niece who rule this house, for the worse. This morning I was talking to sister in law about how problematic they've both become; she says perhaps she and my brother spoiled them too much. I don't think I have a say in that, but maybe they have let things go out of control through the years.
These kids are awful to their parents very often, and sometimes I even feel like pushing them and kicking them a few times, and yelling at them, for being so intolerant, defensive, apathetic and even irresponsible with certain issues that should've taken care of differently. Just wishful thinking, though. Afterwards I'm horrified at the things I think.
Perhaps I'd better not dwell on these things too much, but I'm very torn, wanting and not wanting to leave and to stay. I'm mixed up, because I sometimes don't want to be here, but I don't want to be there, either. Sometimes I do want to be here, but there, too.
Yesterday my nephew was telling her mom that he wanted to kill himself, etc. He even had a knife for himself. That's what I mentioned yesterday, that I'd seen him tearful, even though later on he was humming merrily, like nothing happened. He said he was unhappy, but it probably relates to him being insecure and relying too much on others' opinion. I'm sorry I can't approach him and be there for him. And my niece is heading down the same path, being unnaprochable, I mean. They have some sort of wall I don't even dare to knock softly, scared they might send me to mind my own bussiness.
Today is my last day as a 20 year old. It doesn't make any difference to me, and I wish people forgot about my birthday. I would have, if it wasn't for the people in this house reminding me. All I'm thinking about is the Aerosmith concert, that's approaching at an alarming speed. They're gonna be on The Today Show tomorrow morning, my birthday, talking about their current tour, one of which shows I will be attending. Yay. It'd have been killer if the clip to be showed tomorrow would be from the Houston concert instead. That'd make my experience more tangible.