Sunday, 04.28.2013 - 10:38 am.
Since last time I wrote, things have improved. They always do. Now that I work, Andrew and I are establishing a routine and the evenings and weekends are the best part. I always looking forward to having him just for me.
Andrew wants to get married as soon as possible and I'd like that. It's like we already are anyway, it'd be nice to make it official. But we don't want the hassle of the wedding tradition. Who has the time and money and energy? Me, I just want one of the witnesses or the best man to be a dog in a bowtie. I don't care for a ring, dress, entourage, cake, big reception, honeymoon. We're both into low key events, luckily. I suppose we'd have to have some kind of reception for family and close friends, in his country and in my country. And when I get to this idea, I say, let's get married until next year. I need the dog in the bowtie. I wish it was our own dog but it'll be a few years before we can adopt one.
Change of subject, freaky stuff: a few days ago I was reading something and out of nowhere I thought "I'm going to dream of Joseph tonight". I don't know if it was a premonition or a suggestion, but it came to me unwillingly and it came true that very night.
The details are blurry by now but I think I was visiting my home country and he and I were back in touch. I was very confused because we were getting too close and I was afraid I was going to cheat on Andrew and Joseph wasn't really into me. I went to his house and my mom/his mom (?) told me he'd just went out with another girl "but they're not dating". I walked into the living room and I found him there talking to the wife of one of my brothers (?). By now I don't remember how the dream ended but I know I didn't get involved with him.
And here's the thing, the evolution of my dreams with Joseph. When we were dating, I'd dream I was keeping him hidden from my parents in my bedroom. I think that was a very accurate description of what was going on. I knew my parents didn't approve. And years after the break-up, I dream we're in different countries and I hear about him from other people, then he's in the same country as me, then we run into each other and I ignore him, then -now- we're interacting again.
And as much as one may zero-in on the "OMG I'm still tempted by Joseph and I may cheat on Andrew" fear, that's the least of my worries. I wouldn't leave someone as amazing as Andrew for someone who treated me so thoughtlessly as Joseph did. I realize my feelings for the latter never went away entirely but we're talking about the guy that I dated and he's gone. He died when he slowly and sistematically tore me to pieces with every phone call, every sarcastic comment, every mention of his new gal, every accusation of how I failed and how I was trying to get on with my life as proof that I was ok and never really loved him.
Fuck Joseph. May somebody else fuck him, not me. I'm really fond of him but I remember everything and I nearly gag. He may haunt me still here and there but it's not something I enjoy. I take it as it is, a bad dream, and then forget about it. I'm really angry by how he treated me. Finally. Years later I'm genuinely angry. I didn't deserve that treatment. Fine, he didn't want to be with me anymore, you can't call on anybody for whom they want and don't want. That alone hurt inmensenly but I'd understand. What came next was just cruel. You don't want to be with somebody and it's not mutual, you leave them alone. If not forever, for the long while it takes to digest the rejection.
Now I'm angry. But I needed to get the dream off my chest. Or maybe I didn't. I thought about writing about it the morning after but I had better things to do. And a few more days went by after that. I guess it's just another thought to add to his graveyard. I collect thoughts on Joseph because he'd dead but I appreciate his memory. Him, as a person, not his actions. His actions and thoughts and sentiments behind them sucked.
Back to reality: I have some tasks that I really don't want to do but come with the job. And I got a raise! More hours, more money. But I haven't seen any income since my scholarship ended in january and I'm getting a bit desperate, I'm not sure when any of the two research projects I work for will pay me. Andrew pays for most of our stuff (I did pay for our date on wednesday evening, when we went to the movies. Lovely evening) and he does it gladly but aasgdhagsdjhsdf. I miss earning and saving and being able to split costs in half. It's just a matter of time, I know.
Well, I have received a little income, I'm coaching our friend Karin. But it's just an hour every week and I don't charge much because I don't get this coaching thing. Still, I'm reading and using my skills to help her with some stuff. But she isn't well at all so there isn't much progress yet. She's really depressed, "I don't want to wake up anymore" - she - says - with - tears - streaming - down - her - cheeks kind of depressed. We're friends so obviously we're not doing therapy. My hands are tied and I feel for her. She's seeking professional help but it's a long way to go before she feels any better.