Saturday, 26.10.2013 - 8:34 am.
In the last week or so of every month, I get really mad for one day. While it's tempting to blame it on the ladies-be-hormonal shit, it is always due to a legitimate reason. It's always something very specific, a behavior or a situation. They seem to come up at the last part of the month.
The reason is legitimate but my reaction turns out to be out of proportion. I must've written in here a couple of months ago that suddenly I become a walking open wound. Things hurt a lot and I feel a lot, and I lose the control of my thoughts. It passes quickly, it lasts less than 24 hours. I don't think that's the timing of the reaction and effect of hormones. And hey, what hormones exactly, do people even know what they're talking about?
Anyway. I don't have time to get into details but this time around, I got mad at a misunderstanding with the two students that work at the psych clinic, which was going to cost me seeing a new patient. I got mad and wrestled between expressing that or letting them get away with it just to save me the trouble. "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry".
I asked Andrew for advice on my e-mail to them and thanks to him it ended up being assertive. But while he was helping me, he seemed to switch his mood completely and it seemed he'd gotten mad at me for something. He changed the plans of a meal and went to play LoL for the rest of the night.
I sent the e-mail and forgot about it, and instead I focused on being hurt and angry at him for being angry at me. I tried to question that though, why would it have to be precisely that? Should I ask him? But then again, his discomfort while helping me was so palpable that I felt like crying as as I imagined what I would say to him about that. I spent my evening like that and I went to bed without saying a word to him, just in case I said something out of place. I had no proof that he was mad at me, other than it appeared to be so.
But when he came to bed, he was very comforting to me, giving me a massage and holding me, whispering "tomorrow will be better". He'd seen me fuming over the situation with the students. And in the morning, he made me breakfast (sweet) and said he was mad at how things have gone at work the day before. It made sense. For the sake of catharsis, I told him I thought it was because I'd asked for help and he said it was not about that. I didn't entirely believed him but then again, perhaps my emotional state fueled his own. And he was already tired and mad at other people.
So I got angry over something. Then at something else, and this second element perhaps was mostly in my head. But this time we didn't argue about it. I can't say I kept my cool but I did keep it all to myself and things fell into place on its own.
And in fact, the day went smoothly. I solved the problem with the students, although exactly like I didn't want to: I gave up my hour, for a number of reasons. But that solved my tension of not knowing what was going to happen. And also, I had errands to run at the university and they went better than expected.
Tonight we have the wedding of one of Andrew's best and longtime friends. Yay for them but ugh, weddings. Andrew has the same reaction, so ironically, this should be fun. If they ask me to come catch the bouquet I'll say I already know I'm getting married.
And tomorrow, we get on a plane to the southernmost city of this country, Punta Arenas, to attend a psych congress. I'm excited to go and most of all, I'm excited to go with him. We'll spend a whole week there, two days for academia, three for sightseeing. You have a nice week, see you when I return.
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